Evolving Sweetie

Sunday Picnics

The condo is too quiet. No signs of life beyond my own rustlings. Fluxuating between relief that Ross's suffering is past and abundant sadness. Missing them all, my loving and blessed little family. Left behind by husband and kitties. Clinging to the belief that more love, happiness and lavish joy is around the next corner. Overdue.

Spent most of this gorgeous day puttering in the condo. In the midst of turning over winter to spring and dusting the cobwebs away (figuratively). By dinner time I was ready to relax and take in a few rays. After trekking to half priced books to secure my tickets for the Pioneer Woman book signing next week, I indulged in take out from my neighborhood BBQ joint, Raining Ribs. I ♥ 'em!

Spread out a blanket at Matthew Beach and enjoyed the view. And tried to ignore the tribe of kids having screaming contests. We are all just trying to shake the grey out of our hearts and minds. Ribs, hush puppies, root-beer and diving into a new cookbook acquistion Joy the Baker turned out to be a grand ending to the weekend. Maybe this will be a new spring/summer tradition...

 

Postcards from a Picnic @ Matthew's Beach

hello dinner

sexy rib shot

view

my new dinner companions

 

Lazy Autumn Sunday

For the first time in many months I have a free weekend day without plans. Yahoo!  I need a little unstructured ME time. Life's been hectic. Work, quilting classes, parents visits, birthdays, tail-gates and catching up with friends. All good stuff. 

Slept in till 11 sans alarm clock this morning after a much needed late night check in with BFF in Belgium. Hot breakfast and toggling between my two favorite teams football games. Honestly though the Steelers look like they have this one much in hand. Seahawks need more support right now. 

Itching to finish putting together my Steel Town Girl quilt top. Loving the look of it so far. Jamie's baby blanket is calling from the knitting needles and the advent calendars are ripe for cutting out. Happiness. My creative soul sings!

Today is also prime stock making time. Nothing says fall like chicken stock simmering on the stove top. Next week's tailgate is a Chili-Off. I'm planning a White Bean Chicken Chili. Homemade stock is key.  Fourth quarter flips through cookbooks for week planning and I'll be set for a quick run out for supplies.

Sounds like the perfect day to me. Happy Sunday!

August Goals

The other week I was ranting about my lack of motivation. Swimming in a sea of too many choices. Narrowed the focus down to these 4 things on my to-do list.

1. Meditate or Tap 2x minimum per week. Spiritual, check!

2. Complete 2 vacation books on Shutterfly - France 2006 & Christmas Markets 2008. - Creativity, check!

3. Restart Accupuncture and work in a few walks per week . - Self care, check!

4. Clean sweep my bedroom. - Nagging chore, check!

This gives me some small and larger goals to concentrate on this month.

The bummer this month is that my feet and hip are so ouchy at the end of the week that I can't face early morning meet up, 7+ miles and 1700+ elevation gains on the trails by the time the weekend approaches. Been battling sleep depriavation (less than 6 hours per night), which shows up as deep muscle and joint aches for me. Been trying to catch up on the weekend. I'm leaving the house 1.5 earlier than my last job, yet can't seem to swing my bed time sooner.  My classic battle of being an inherent night owl vs normal working hours.  Desperately need to find the balance as I'm exhausted come week's end. And it's impacting my play time!

 

Queen Anne's Lace

Lamenting the vast volumes of memories that disappear with age. Where are all the loves, hurts, joys, accomplishments, dreams and heart breaks? Woven in the fabric of my being so tightly that the individual threads disappear. Leaving the impressionistic  overview, details fading into the background. 

Sometimes my memory will attach to a tiny little detail breaking forth a tidal wave of love lost. And so it is with Queen Anne's Lace. This delicate bloom always bring me back to my Grandmother's in rural Pennsylvania. Sunny days picking bouquets with my sister or cousins on the way to the school playground. A golden glow shimmering all around.

Happy, warmth, laughter, love, kinship ... just beautiful. 

Miss you Grandma! These blooms are for you wherever your soul is today.

 

POSTCARDS from the Garden

 

The Flight from Freedom

What would you do with more personal time? If your ties and responsibilities dissolved or lessened. Would you be happier? Write that novel, reorg the garage, learn to play the guitar... 

How many of us wish for more? Silently breathe a sigh of relief with a layoff that there may be a few weeks of time that partially can be devoted a big self improvement project. Only to find few things off the to-do list when a job comes knocking again. 

Learned a few lessons about myself and freedom the past handful of years. It's alot of work to be free. Longing for attachment and belonging to another gets in the way.  The desire to build a life with someone in the frame work of a family no matter how small that unit is defined is a underlying tow. Untethered you can reach incredible dizzying heights and equally low depths. But the momentum is solely yours to create. And it can be exhausting.

Sometimes, I find I need to drag myself kicking and screaming into things that I enjoy to do. Gardening is one. In theory I love it, in practice it's peaceful and calming to whole being. So why is it a constant battle to show up to pull the weeds? Cooking enacts the same struggle. Love the smells, sound and rhythm of cooking. And it's like pulling teeth to get me to cook for myself on a consistent basis. 

Now that a normal schedule is at hand, I've more freedom to create, dream, provide self care and balance. My excuse is gone. And I'm struggling a bit with indecision. Yes - I can accomplish something every night if I chose. Why so often does that choice result in my feet up, unplugged on the couch? In the face of so many options my default is the path of least resistance. And it doesn't bring happiness or self love. 

Beginning to understand why I tend to be an elaborate planner. I need the push and pull of deadlines artificial or not. Work so much better with some structure around my time off, I need some accountability and accomplishment. Sacrificing a bit of freedom and spontaneity. 

So my self challenge as we head into a new month is to pick a handful of things on that long to-do list and complete them. Pick a one thing from the creative column, one from the self care, one from the spiritual list and one from the nagging chores. Narrow down the many to the few and see what happens. I'll let you know as soon as I define them.

August, here I come. 

 

Dream A Little Dream of Me

Once in college a professor asked us to sketch out a 5, 10, 15, 20 year plan. Where do you see your life professionally, personally in 5 year time increments? After much soul searching, I laid out my blueprint. Her only comment was "Where are your dreams in here? Everything is practical and logical to achieve." Spend thousands on an education and it's this statement that's had the most vivid impact. 

As time marched on, my evolving and soul defining experiences have occurred when I've followed my dreams. Moving to Seattle sight unseen and jobless - a crazy, gutsy and bold leap. Yet Seattle's fertile ground has me rooted and oh, how I've blossomed. 

Then, there is Chuck. Prior to our relationship my greatest hope was to find my soulmate. But it took years of failed unions before I did the hard work to be honest about what I really needed and wanted in partnership. No more ambiguity disguised as flexibility. Once I dreamed the life, courage and conviction to say NO to offers that didn't match became my guiding principle. Chuck appeared close on the heels of my decision. Our relationship contained everything I truly needed in partnership and lots of sparkling surprises.

As I've rebuilt through the dark years that old struggle against dreaming has resurfaced. The lovely life that we dreamed to build together burned to the ground. I'm arising from it's ashes.  Too vulnerable to define my heart's desire for fear of losing it all... again. Yet knowing it's the leap of faith from a place of vulnerability and hope that weaves dreams into reality. 

Time to start dreaming of possibilities.

Change of Vocation

Hello! It's been a crazy few weeks. Exhilarated to report that next week starts a new chapter in my career. I accepted a staff position at the University of Washington supporting the IT department. Thrilled for a change of environment, new people to meet, project scope, closer to home, more normal schedule...its all a win win. 

It's been hard to leave go of my coworkers voluntarily. Worked closely with some for over 5 years through Chuck's illness and passing, new marriages and babies, a lost company and a new one. Aching that I won't be there to help them any longer. But there was no more growth where I was and I felt my light fading away daily. Remember Jeannette, you can't be there for or save anyone else if you don't first put on your own oxygen mask.  

So I am breathing in excitement, little nervousness, hope, challenge, opportunity and growth. And it very well may be the catalyst to change the other areas in my life that need fine tuning. Plus now I'll truly be a Husky. Go Purple. Be Gold.

Stay tuned, exciting things are afoot!!! 

 

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

An unexpected side-effect of my upcoming hiking adventures is the resurrection of memories from my "T" years, early Seattle times. Vivid and various moments popping into my consciousness from our 2+ year relationship. T was the one who taught me lessons about hiking and outdoor etiquette. And it's T's voice echoing through my head as I step further into this adventure. Disturbing, especially since I'm so accustomed to that being Chuck's territory. Instead of feeling like a betrayal, it's a welcome reminder of who I was prior to my lifetime with Chuck. Shining a little acceptance that love will exist again, it'll just be a different chapter.

From this distance I can see with gratitude the gifts and lessons I've taken forward from each of my loves.

My early years in-love were mired in a masochistic quartet of unrequited love. We are not talking the John Hughes worship from afar, the poor gent doesn't know your name type of devotion. Each of my loves were friends who cared deeply for me. Dare-say even loved me. Just not in the way I wanted them to.  

And then as I moved cross country the pendulum swung in the opposite direction. No emotional attachment without nooky, leading too often into friends with benefits scenarios. Chemistry ruled the day. Yet when acted upon too quickly Chemistry stale-mates the progress of the relationship. Which left me accepting the only commitment my partners were willing to give me instead of cutting bait and finding what I truly needed. T marks the end of the line on that journey. 

So as I step forward into unscripted new chapters, I acknowledge with love and gratitude what I learned from each of my loves that didn't make the final cut. Lessons I carry with me to this day. 

• From my high-school years, D ~ thank you for the lesson of learning which team your object of desire plays for and the best/only outcome is to cherish that friendship. 

• L ~ thank you for humor and grace. And the valuable lesson that someone you love needs to be supportive and happy for you when you reach out for your dreams. Always look on the Bright Side of Life. 

• F ~ the hard lesson from you was that even when actions speak louder than words, the words we choose govern how we will proceed and what we believe. My college years would have been so much more free and filled with love if I just believed you when you said you didn't love me in that way. Doubted my instincts for many years afterwards. Experienced enough now to realize that both my gut intuition and your conflicting words can be right, it's not an either or scenario. There is human spirit and choice in all we do. Thank you for having me as "babe" for our shared time. And for the smile that still crosses my face when I think of the essence of you.

• M #1 ~ Thank you for finally getting the lesson through to me to not fall for someone who isn't falling back. Two years was a long time to wait to realize that our chemistry was incompatible. Wish you well on your journey.

• And my fabulous friend D ~ for the knowledge that my choices were at fault, not my spirit or womanhood. If you allow it love will naturally blossom as fully as it is meant to be. D, you are one of my most cherished and loved friends. Honored to witness for over 20 years the life and lovely family that you've created. And I'm most thankful that time and distance disappear completely on those too rare occasions when we get to connect. Miss you.

• C.A. ~ the secret knowledge that sometimes the Chemistry is just that good. Boy-toys and late night booty calls are great fun and definitely have an expiration date.  

• And now we are back to T ~ my greatest lesson from you is to never again settle for being someone's Plan B. You showed me the day-to-day workings and joys of partnership. As my best friend says you were my practice one. I wouldn't have been ready for Chuck without you coming along first. And your gift of the love of hiking and wanderlust on Saturday afternoons are helping pave the road back to myself at heart. They are important bricks on my path into a beautiful future. Merci beaucoup. Peace be with you. 

With love and thanks to each of you ~ I close the chapters of my boyfriends past. Open to dream of the next chapter's beginning. 

 

Renewal

Funny how time just slips away. I've yearned for this space often without finding the inspiration or the expression. Lost thoughts, emotions not willing to be explored further and withdrawal. 

In the midst of my personal March madness again which technically starts winding up my internal springs as February approaches. Thankfully things set in motion this time to shatter all the windows and blow open all the doors of my being. Lots of tough love was administered from various angles illuminating a few truths that I needed to look long and hard at.

• Standing pat is not the same as processing or growing. Pretty much checked out of the hard grief work and processing over the past year. As I review my commitment and comments here, it's evident to me that lack of attention on my part. And the truth is I haven't been able to let Chuck go. Not to the degree that I can build a healthy, vibrant relationship with someone else. 

• Loving what is. Giving myself permission to love my life just as it happened and as it is. Bryon Katie has a book "Loving What Is" about embracing reality for what was meant to happen, happened. Her method is called "The Work" containing a series of 4 questions that we should ask ourselves of any given difficulty. Our suffering stems from attachment and assigning meaning to life's outcomes. My favorite question is "How would I be different if I didn't think or feel this way?" It's powerful.

• Cancer ISN'T happening to Chuck now. The "AHA" moment in this thought to me was that I am the only one who is still caught in the loop of Chuck's cancer and struggles. Chuck is freed and at peace. My family and friends, who were blessed with fewer difficult memories from this time, are free to carry forward the true essence of Chuck and found peace. That doesn't mean he is forgotten and not missed in their lives. But I've been so traumatized and devastated by his battle with cancer/loss that between the anger, heart-break, sorrow and grief there is little room for love and gratitude to flourish. Forcing the happy memories stay buried under the difficult ones. 

• Carrying Chuck's cancer around is KILLING me. This inability to move beyond the painful cancer memories is killing my spirit and our love. At that same time that this realization was dawning I learned of a techniques EFT or tapping that helps process emotions through the body for release. I've adapted these techniques and set a few appointments to work thorough the hard stuff. It's facilitated more healing in this short month timeframe that I've seen in years.

• Lightness of being. My greatest wish is for lightness. Lightness of heart, spirt, mind and body. Heaviness has ground my life for over 6 years now. I want to soar, create, laugh and love to greater degrees. For my natural state to be at peace, not struggling to obtain or maintain it. 

• Fall in Love with ME all over again. Here is the hardest lesson of them all. Time to become me and to love being me again. One step is to stop thinking of myself as Chuck's wife and widow. Yes, they are roles I have been and have lovingly shaped the woman I am. But neither is fully me, not even close. Time for engaging in things that bring me happiness and joy. Reigniting that spark of creativity. Take pleasure in the freedom to fill my free time with my heart desires versus balancing the needs of a family, partner etc. Feed, nurture and fully loving me. This is the greatest key to my happiness and rebuilding a life I love. Someday that will include a partner, a fulfilling career and hopefully my own family however that appears. But right now, it's all about healing and loving myself. 

So I'm re-dedicating this space to the exploration of all things that bring me pleasure and joy. While acknowledging the occasional hard lesson processing. My goals for this year are to grow and learn new hobbies and passions. Rebalance my physical health to active and vibrant. And live in gratitude and joy.

 

Visits Home

The snow globe of my life has been shaken up this past week and the contents are starting to shift back together. Traveling home always brings the wave of nostalgia and wonder on how my life would be had I kept close to my roots. Who would I have become? How different would life be?  

The heart of the matter is the driving force that propelled me to leave the Steel City. I knew in the depth of my being that never finding out who I could be on my own would be a regret I'd wrestle with the rest of my life. To paraphrase a conversation I had with my friend D on my visit "To live all that is truly inside your heart frees you. To be afraid of it and keep it buried imprisons you." 

And I love Seattle and the life I've built. All the ways living here has molded and shaped the woman I've become today. Loves, friendships, family, the peek-a-boo mountains, the grounding bodies of water, the markets, the salt air and gut feel of being where I belong. Never regretted the decision to leave. However, trips home to Pittsburgh brightly illuminate the price tag I've paid for following my heart. 

It takes awhile for those snowflakes to settle. And to be able to clearly see the landscape again.