Evolving Sweetie

So Glide Away on Soapy Heels

Bound to happen sooner rather than later. The calendar page turned into another March. 

Time stands still for no one. The sands keep shifting under our feet. And honestly I've been passionately engaged with work, taking in the Olympic spirit, catching the early moments of spring, celebrating the birth of a lovely new little cousin, planning for making bold steps forward... that I haven't allowed myself the space to feel the loss that so permeates this time of year for me.

Last night, Chuck's absence was amplified throughout my home. Barely could hear myself think through the noise. My soul was begging to let my cries be unleashed. Only a handful of quiet tears escaped.

The spirit is willful. In both directions. Awoke this morning in a fabulous mood, ready to tackle my latest project armed with a good night sleep and dark mocha. Going through my ritual start of the workday in the lunchroom, I glanced upon a huge box of magazines. And instead of glimpsing the celebrity couple scandals or cooking magazines, the photograph staring back at me momentarily stopped my heart. The National Geographic, with a man climbing up the trunk of a Redwood tree.

And once again I'm back in the last week of Chuck's life. It's exactly 3 years ago today when Chuck gently asked me if we should purchase a plot. Bravely, I softly question and listen until we get down to his true heart's desire for his remains to be returned to the earth, scattered in the Redwood Forrest. The site of our first vacation together. A place that forever ago captured his imagination and soul. A last wish that I eventually fulfilled. 

Exhale ... 

I soldiered on and shoved myself hard back to 2010 and the challenges at hand. Until the work day wound down around 8 pm. Then the armor started to wear thin. Talking over deadlines, I reminded my colleague that I was out of town on next thursday & friday. As the ribbing started, I simply stated that next Thursday is the 3rd anniversary of Chuck's passing. Silence. Space, freedom and time is necessary for me to move through that day and into another year without him. I won't have anything left for clients, projects, colleagues that day. Truly, my absence will be a gift to us all.

Finally, my heart overthrew my head. And I sobbed all the way home. My mind kept spinning round this phenomenal 6 hour talk we had that last monday he was here. One of those magical conversations you usually have when you are first getting to know each other and everything is perfumed with wonder. We dreamed about our new home together, about our hopes, what we'd love each other's life to become, what we loved about each other. I woke up that next morning so grateful to have that remembrance of who we were deep down, the experience of our souls touching. And at the same time I was so incredibly heartbroken with the knowledge that I was going to lose it too.

Months and months after Chuck left this world, I'd have given anything to have one more night like that one with him. Just to know how he was, say a million more times I love you, reassure each other, know each other, comfort each other. Now, 3 years later, I wonder what is left or even more important to say than I love you & I miss you everyday.

This song accompanied me on the way home tonight. Fit my mood perfectly. 

To my lost love...

The sky looks pissed

The wind talks back

My bones are shifting in my skin

And you my love are gone

My room seems wrong

The bed won't fit

I cannot seem to operate

And you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels

And promise not to promise anymore

And if you come around again

Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

I'll never say I'll never love

But I don't say a lot of things

And you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels

And promise not to promise anymore

And if you come around again

Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

Conquering the Tree

Spontaneity overcame me today. Had a rare Saturday without any plans except to make some soup, take in a few football games and relax. I'd already decided to forgo a tree this year. Maybe you remember the Tree or Not to Tree debate last year. Funny enough my decision this year had nothing to do with Chuck. I just didn't foresee entertaining in my home this year and thought I'd spare myself the bother.

Then spontaneity kicked in. Oh the hints were there all week... friends getting trees, grocery clerk asking if I was decorating my tree this weekend, my mother talking about putting up Chuck's/My tree at the facility she works at.  On the way home from the gym this morning, I was overcome with the urge to drive to Target and buy an artificial tree sized just right for my condo. Please don't feel bad that it's not a real tree. Honestly, I've never had one in my life. A fresh cut wreath brings in the pine scent for me just fine. Besides I'm to much of a nervous ninny when it comes to fire hazards that I don't think I'd relax the whole season with a real tree. Mind you I've got excellent reasons on this front - but those are stories for another day.

And it was kismet, for wouldn't you know the store had the perfect sized pre-lit tree and they were down to 1 left. 

The thing about spontaneity is there is little time to prepare for the emotional consequences. Earlier this year I sorted through our decorations so it wasn't the first time I faced them since our last Christmas together. I even prepared myself by packing away the ornaments around our wedding in a keepsake box. To my surprise mid-decorating the tree I brought them out for a final season. I realized that maybe for the first time in my life - this tree was just for me.  

No plans were in place for decorating. Previous themes revolved around dark blue and silver which doesn't quite work in the warmer toned condo. Pulling out my decorations I found a number of gold sprays, crystal beaded garlands and a few ruby jeweled poinsettias I picked up last year. Gold, silver, crystal, red and midnight blue. The final product turned out to be perfectly me - graceful, touches of elegance with nostalgia and whimsy. 

 

The last ornament I placed on the tree was one of Chuck's childhood wooden soldiers. And this was the one that opened the flood gates. For the 2nd time in my life I sobbed over a Christmas tree. This little microcosm of my life - places I've traveled, people who are no longer with me, and angels everywhere to look over me. 

Beautiful.

POSTCARDS from my living room 

The little redheaded bride and blond groom that I gave to Chuck the year we were engaged.

The angel my mother made from ribbons from my sister's wedding.

The angel my Grandmother Shirley made.

 

Little hummel angel's that were from my Grandmother Margie's tree.   

Mickey & Minnie from our trip to Disney.

And this one has double meaning for me. My mother always called me her Raggedy Ann doll. I bought us both this ornament years ago to remember that. Here Raggedy Ann has found her Andy and they are sitting in the moon. After Chuck & I got together the ornament took on another layer- Fly Me to the Moon was our song. We loved seeing this on our tree as a reminder.  

 

Little Earthquakes

What a week it's been. Lots of medical procedures happening and being planned throughout my family and friends. Happily, I can report that the emergency for my friends C & B turned out to be the best of all possible scenarios and life should return to normal for them soon. And C's Dad's prognosis is good. I'm overflowing with gratitude for my friends and their families.

On top of my emotions, prayers and worry for my friends, I was catapulted right back into the grief, confusion and sorrow of Chuck's initial diagnosis and treatments. Stunned after all that I've survived and rebuilt just how raw and shallow below the surface all of those experiences and emotions lie. The ground shifted and down I tumbled into that dark and scary crevice. Another reminder that there is no healing from some experiences, we just learn to live beyond them.

During my travels this week I spent a lot of time with Tori Amos listening to her beautiful prose and music. Her emotional delivery is a touchstone for me in hard times. Once again, she refused to fail me. Little Earthquakes shook me to the core. And helped me belt through the sorrow and pain over and over until the ground seamed itself back together. 

We danced in graveyards with vampires till dawn

We laughed in the faces of kings never offering to burn

And I hate disintegration

Watching us wither

Black winged roses that safely change their colors

Oh - these little earthquakes

Here we go again

Oh - these little earthquakes

doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

I can't reach you

Give me life

Give me pain

Give me myself again

Pictures of You

Wish - I had a picture for each day we were together. To have some tangible link to those all those precious, everyday moments. Moments that were meant to last a forever.  And they did last a lifetime... yours.

"I've been living so long with my pictures of you

that I almost believe that they're real

I've been living so long with my pictures of you

that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel"

And the pictures, they can blindside you. An article, or hollywood generated scene and BAM... there you are reliving a horrifying moment you scarcely lived through. Watching as poison courses through your husband's veins. Helpless, terrified and willing all your strength to not rip the treacherous tubes from his body. 

And here comes the sharp inhale of breath as your heart cracks open once again. And the tears come streaming forth on the exhale.

These pictures give voice to your inner demons. Did I do enough for you my love? Was I present enough to hold your hand during the worst times? What else could I have done?  And the assault goes round and round until I collapse in a heap of exhaustion. Sending the questions scurrying on the winds to be answered in another undisclosed time and place.

Tonight as I lay my head down, I'd give all that I have to feel your arms around me... soothing me to sleep. Instead of the urgent need to conjure up your memory to lull me as I drift away.

"There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more

than to feel you deep in my heart

There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more

than to never feel I'm breaking apart my pictures of you"

Pictures of You - by the Cure

Dreaming About You

It's been a while since I've posted. Life has been hectic. Last weekend was filled with friends and family and alot of fun. The work week has been crazy busy and long. Busy is a good thing, but that means little home time and only energy to veggie and snuggle the kitties. Thankfully, I'm upon the weekend once again.

Something wonderful did happen this week. I dreamt of Chuck. While this is quite possibly a nightly, non-news worthy occurrence I only remember a handful of dreams each year. And most he is in the subject matter, but doesn't appear. Early tuesday morning I dreamt about coming home from a long trip. As the train was pulling into the station, I watched him excitedly pacing the platform in anticipation of seeing me. The push of the crowds kept us separated throughout moving through the station. Figuring we'd meet up at home, I suddenly was in my childhood living room and he was not. Some moments of sadness passed and the doorbell rang. As I opened the door a rush of friends and family crowded the doorway. And there he was on the porch corner radiant, smiling and lovingly waiting his turn to greet me. A flood of love, joy, relief and peace washed over me. Then I awoke.

Content wise it's not that exciting of a dream. But the remembrance of how Chuck moved in the world, healthy and whole; and how he looked at me as my lover, partner and friend was much needed medicine to my soul. Even throughout this frantic week it grounded me like I've not been in a long time. 

The memory of being loved echos on.

Photo log - Arizona

Finally I've started to work on all the photo books I've been planning. It'll be a long project to catalog my digital memories. I made a bargain with myself to help facilitate the process. All trips that I want to memorialize independently, I will utilize pre-existing templates on Iphoto, Shutterfly or Kodak gallery. The yearbooks are where I will concentrate on scrapbooking. Some of my trips have 1,000s of photos to work through. If I custom design them all - nothing will ever get done. Plus, I can always do a few pages from the trip in the annuals with my special touch.

Shutterfly was running a sale on photo books recently. Worked up a few albums to take advantage of the discount. I also negotiated with my guilty conscience that I would alternate my projects between time with Chuck and my life beyond Chuck. Its critically important for me to write the stories down. But the pressure and emotionality of doing so has made me walk away from scrapbooking for 2+ years now. This guideline helps me relax about it. 

The first book I jumped into from our life was our honeymoon in Arizona. Found myself to be very enchanted and charmed by our trip. Maybe enough time has passed to allow the space for me be just grateful for that week we shared. I want to share a few images of that trip that were my favorites as I put the book together. 

It was a beautiful time.

POSTCARDS from Arizona 

First destination - Hoover Dam

Second Destination - The Grand Canyon

Third destination - Sedona

In Between Days

Aside from being uber busy at work the last handful of weeks, I've been going through another down cycle in grief over Chuck. Sometimes, its just harder than others. I miss my soul-mate and confident. His hugs and laughter. My Chuck.

Deciphering the grief from loneliness and longing for partnership can be difficult. As time passes they are often intertwined with their borders morphing into one another. And the urging from my own soul to take bolder steps forward grows. As a widower friend of mine simply, beautifully put it..."Eventually, Life Wins." 

As much as I hope for those future days when I once again live in the couple dance, life with Chuck will be even further out of reach. Confined to the depths of memory. And the spells of missing will become purely about Chuck once again. 

It's an unsolvable paradox. And thus, I will leave you today with a stanza from the Cure often twirls in my thoughts at times like these.

"And I know I was wrong, when I said it was true.

That it couldn't be me and be caught in between

Without you...  without you."

In Between Days by the Cure.

Missing Dreams

Chuck has been missed more so than usual lately. For no particular reason, for every reason. Finding myself stuck in limbo land. Articulating what I want for my life, the direction, the dream is leaving me speechless. I try on scenarios in my head like playing dress up. Yet, I don't see myself committing to a future path yet. Truth came out of my mouth as I glanced at our wedding picture a few days ago...I want our life back, the life I was building towards that day. My husband glowing with health and love, the home we dreamed of, the family we prayed for...a life together. The one dream that is no longer mine to have.

Grief is an endless journey. While it may play a shallow note in the symphony, as stanzas pass eventually it's haunting melody whistles through. That's just the deal.

LiveStrong Challenge - Seattle 09

Bright & early on Sunday was the LiveStrong Challenge 09. The start and finish line kicked off in Seattle Center in the shadow of the Space Needle in front of Key Arena. The course circled Seattle Center. Team Chuck included myself, Heather, Mike, Mairead, Emmie and my friend Alley. It was Heather's first major walking distance since her knee surgery! Good job!

There was 2,513 participants raising over 1 Million in donations!!!

It was a touching walk. I had forgotten than they have bicycle cabbies driving ill children and their parents from the local cancer wards. We made a big fan fare over them. Its such as sweet gesture. Chuck & I first saw them during his ride. He whispered to me that he didn't care about riding more than 40 miles, the next time he wanted to pull one of the cabbies. And that was my Chuck.

Today - I witnessed a young adult son holding his mother's hand as they slowly walked. Encouraging her on. It was so beautiful. There was a young widow walking in alone in memory of her husband lost in her own thoughts - heartbreaking. Many more touching scenes, too many to count.

The atmosphere was hopeful too. It feels good to fight, to be counted, to care, to recognize that the journey doesn't end here. TO REMEMBER.

And my love Chuck, most intimately and spiritually this was for you. To say we love you. And you are so missed as a husband, brother, son, uncle and friend. Our lives are forever enriched from your presence in them. Love you, honey!

POSTCARDS from the LiveStrong Challenge - Seattle 

It's the McAdams - geared up and ready to go!

Dan Wilson - former M's catcher was the MC.

He was a pleasant surprise.

Making our way to the start.

Here we go.

This is one of my favorite pics of the morning.

Some of the bike cabbies. Great job guys!

Walkers taking over the length of Mercer Street.

Last round. Mike found some fellow colleagues among the walkers.

Rounding the corner to the finish line.

Finish line ahead.

Alley & Jeannette right after the walk.

Mike & the girls off to the International Fountain. 

They were excited to be out of the stroller.

Sisters! Heather & Jeannette post walk.

To Chuck on the message wall.

Thank you Seattle!!!

Hope to see more of you out there next year!!!

 

 

LiveStrong Volunteering

Saturday kicked off the LiveStrong Challenge festivities at Seattle Center. My friend Alley & I volunteered to help with registration from 1-5pm. It was a wonderful, emotional and fun experience. 

We greeted riders and walkers, checking them in and facilitated getting their packets. I throughly enjoyed meeting everyone. The stories varied...teams in support of a loved one, walks in memory of, survivors fighting back, people working through active treatment and the scenarios continue from there. Everyone had a same spark of spirit - to not let CANCER have the last word in their lives. Some people raised thousands of dollars - completely humble and grateful. I helped several father/son teams that choose a different city to ride in every year. Everyone's story was incredible and brave. 

Our own personal experience with LiveStrong and belief in their mission is the main motivation behind my need to fund raise for them. However, my favorite aspect of LiveStrong is that they are a haven for all touched by cancer - survivors, caregivers and families. The cause is universal and its a fight for humanity.

Being immersed in so many stories and sharing my own all afternoon left me overflowing with emotion and exhausted that evening. But as I have said before one of the gifts that comes with the cancer journey is witnessing the best in human spirit. It was a great reminder that while I may have felt alone through and beyond this journey - there are millions of people just as heroically walking similar paths.

Unity is strength. 

Live Strong!