Evolving Sweetie

The Flight from Freedom

What would you do with more personal time? If your ties and responsibilities dissolved or lessened. Would you be happier? Write that novel, reorg the garage, learn to play the guitar... 

How many of us wish for more? Silently breathe a sigh of relief with a layoff that there may be a few weeks of time that partially can be devoted a big self improvement project. Only to find few things off the to-do list when a job comes knocking again. 

Learned a few lessons about myself and freedom the past handful of years. It's alot of work to be free. Longing for attachment and belonging to another gets in the way.  The desire to build a life with someone in the frame work of a family no matter how small that unit is defined is a underlying tow. Untethered you can reach incredible dizzying heights and equally low depths. But the momentum is solely yours to create. And it can be exhausting.

Sometimes, I find I need to drag myself kicking and screaming into things that I enjoy to do. Gardening is one. In theory I love it, in practice it's peaceful and calming to whole being. So why is it a constant battle to show up to pull the weeds? Cooking enacts the same struggle. Love the smells, sound and rhythm of cooking. And it's like pulling teeth to get me to cook for myself on a consistent basis. 

Now that a normal schedule is at hand, I've more freedom to create, dream, provide self care and balance. My excuse is gone. And I'm struggling a bit with indecision. Yes - I can accomplish something every night if I chose. Why so often does that choice result in my feet up, unplugged on the couch? In the face of so many options my default is the path of least resistance. And it doesn't bring happiness or self love. 

Beginning to understand why I tend to be an elaborate planner. I need the push and pull of deadlines artificial or not. Work so much better with some structure around my time off, I need some accountability and accomplishment. Sacrificing a bit of freedom and spontaneity. 

So my self challenge as we head into a new month is to pick a handful of things on that long to-do list and complete them. Pick a one thing from the creative column, one from the self care, one from the spiritual list and one from the nagging chores. Narrow down the many to the few and see what happens. I'll let you know as soon as I define them.

August, here I come. 

 

180 Degree Turn

As noted a number of weeks ago, I was started a new job. Striking how different my work life is from the previous position. Promise, I don't utilize this space to rant or grind any axes. It's just that I am vibrating lighter. Surround by 100 people in cub farms, yet it's peaceful and deadly quiet most of the time. Swear at my last company between phone constantly ringing, customers in the lobby, loud printers and booming conversations, I'd spend half my energy filtering out the noise to  open a small space for concentration.  Complete noise over load. 

And there is the speed of deadlines. Lived in a world of immediate due times. Now there is thoughtful, deliberate work done for progress on an extensive deadline. Still trying to find the points were it makes sense to call it a night and resume the next day. Shielding against burnout, saving reserves for crunch times. Encouraged by my team.

Feel a little out of place and disjointed. I can actually have time for my garden, creativity, exercise and friends. Energy and time is available to keep my life balanced. Whew - what a novel pleasure.

A girl can get used to this.

Ferry Ride

Riding the ferries are one of my favorite parts of living in Seattle. When I first moved here 16 years ago, I'd ride them all the time.  An inexpensive way to get out on the water. Love the time stand still quality of the crossing. Stolen time to knit, read, write a letter or daydream staring across the miles of blue. Love to take out of town guests on board to give them a glimpse of the Sound.

For the Hurricane Ridge trip, we chose to take the Bainbridge Ferry over to the Olympic Peninsula. A short 30+ minute crossing from the Seattle Waterfront. 

Enjoy the ride.

 

POSTCARDS from the Seattle/Bainbridge Ferry

 

MORNING CROSSING

 

EVENING CROSSING

Mt Rainier

docked safe and sound

 

Day tripper ~ Hurricane Ridge

Sometimes life just calls for a change of scenery. Beautiful weekend in the PNW. While the rest of the country is wilting from the heat, we are enjoy a perfect summer time temps. Sunshine has been in shorter supply this year. So it's understandable how everyone has a pera-smile on their face the past few days.

My friend Preeti & I decided to head over to Olympic National Park and pay a visit to Hurricane Ridge. The mountains were spectacular and peaceful. Soul soothing to watch the mountains and valley unfold endlessly. 

There is nothing like a road trip. Luxurious time spent with a friend. Conversations have room to meander and wander down unexplored roads. Possibility and adventure unfolds as the miles accumulate. 

 

POSTCARDS from Hurricane Ridge

Initial park view of the Olympics

First of many deer we'd find

Caught Ya

Preeti & the Mountains

My turn

Mt Baker and Strait of Juan de Fuca

 

Hurricane Ridge at 5400 feet

 

Goodbye Hurricane Ridge! Thank you for a beautiful afternoon.

 

Take a Hike - Big Creek & Otter Falls

Another Sunday spent out on the trails. Lovely day for a long walk and catch-up with my friend Ryan. Running rivers, babbling water crossings, cascading falls. Nothing like the sound of water to clear your soul of the miscellaneous clatter and jangling. 

10 miles makes for tired feet, but so worth the effort. The trail gently and steadily climbs to a bridge deck that overlooks Big Creek Falls. After lunching at the Falls, we made our way back and found the barely marked side trip to Otter Falls. After a relatively short trek up a soft forest hillside you are treated to Otter Falls majestic glide down a granite wall.

Absolutely beautiful!

 

POSTCARDS from Big Creek & Otter Falls

moss covered trees

eerie 

Jeannette @ first little fall - mile 3 (and 7)

Big Creek Falls 

top of Big Creek Falls

Ryan @ Big Creek Falls

Bye Big Creek

first glimpse of Otter Falls

Otter Falls

beautiful

dancing tree

old growth

sunlit forest

Taylor River running

Thanks Ryan for a great hike!

 

Big Creek & Otter Falls:

 Elevation Gain = 600 ft

Highest Point = 1750 ft

Miles = 10.00

 

Running 2011 hike tally:

Hikes = 4

Highest Elevation Gain = 2025 ft

Highest Point = 2500 ft

Miles = 26.35

 

Dream A Little Dream of Me

Once in college a professor asked us to sketch out a 5, 10, 15, 20 year plan. Where do you see your life professionally, personally in 5 year time increments? After much soul searching, I laid out my blueprint. Her only comment was "Where are your dreams in here? Everything is practical and logical to achieve." Spend thousands on an education and it's this statement that's had the most vivid impact. 

As time marched on, my evolving and soul defining experiences have occurred when I've followed my dreams. Moving to Seattle sight unseen and jobless - a crazy, gutsy and bold leap. Yet Seattle's fertile ground has me rooted and oh, how I've blossomed. 

Then, there is Chuck. Prior to our relationship my greatest hope was to find my soulmate. But it took years of failed unions before I did the hard work to be honest about what I really needed and wanted in partnership. No more ambiguity disguised as flexibility. Once I dreamed the life, courage and conviction to say NO to offers that didn't match became my guiding principle. Chuck appeared close on the heels of my decision. Our relationship contained everything I truly needed in partnership and lots of sparkling surprises.

As I've rebuilt through the dark years that old struggle against dreaming has resurfaced. The lovely life that we dreamed to build together burned to the ground. I'm arising from it's ashes.  Too vulnerable to define my heart's desire for fear of losing it all... again. Yet knowing it's the leap of faith from a place of vulnerability and hope that weaves dreams into reality. 

Time to start dreaming of possibilities.

Whirlwind Sleep Over

Whirled through the past weekend sleep date with my lovely nieces. Great time was had by all. Busy bees! Point Defiance Zoo, shopping, pedicures, gardening, visiting friends and making dream catchers. Whew!

POSTCARDS from a weekend w/ my favorite girls

whale tail @ the children's garden

princess wand balloons

shadow play

Em @almost 5

dream catchers

Emmie & her favorite

solo camel rides

Mairead @ 6.75

riding a whale

open wide - this is my favorite one from the weekend

 

Time Doubled Up

Time is not my friend.  A significant milestone is passing me by as I sleep tonight. Life beyond Chuck is now longer than life with him. It's not something I've been ticking down to or circled on a calendar to commemorate. Just an internal knowing and the alarm sounded last night. Missing erupts through the surface when my defenses are at their breaking point - late Sunday night most likely. Whispers you should be here. Tears bubble forth in sacrifice once more to drain the river of sorrow that streams through my heart. 

It dawned on me as I was swept away last night I'm on the edge of time doubling on itself. Promised myself that I wouldn't mourn longer than I loved you. A broken promise. Hoped by now to have authored a new love chapter or two. Forgot my love life unfolds in heavy bound novels. I love hard and long.  Years pass in my process of letting go, well before death do us part entered the picture. 

I know grief does not have an expiration date and neither does love. Yes, it hurts less most of the time. Yes, I'm enjoying my rebuilt life. But the echo in the hollow space were you resided still brings me to tears. And the missing of you aches to my core.

Yes my dear, I know the time you will need to share me with another is fast approaching. I feel you welcoming it, urging me along. I feel my readiness becoming more steadfast.

Someday soon...

Sleep Over at Aunt Jeannette

Trying something new this weekend. My lovely nieces are staying at my condo. Attempting to not make too many plans as I tend to promise more than we can accomplish. Disappointment erupts. Kinda a rocky start. Both girls exhausted and a bit gun shy. Thought for a while there it was going to be a long weekend. All I have to say is reading is magical! Ross making an exploratory visit or two didn't hurt my cause either. 

All tucked in safe and sound around 8:15-ish. Then the impish Em wanders out asking if I'd sleep with them. What's an aunt to do? So we whispered, snuggled, threatened bunny sleeping on the dining room table, giggled, petted a kitty and snuggled some more until they completely wound down to sleep. Probably I'll pay for it tomorrow. Didn't have the heart to say no. Besides it's a few hours I'll treasure always of being invited to play in the world of my favorite little girls' imagination. 

Say Cheese

Our fearless leader Steve forwarded the group shot from Oyster Dome. Proof that I made it!