Gratitude. What a noble concept. I thrive when I strive to be ever mindful of the blessings in my life. Yet why does this seem to be a constant struggle. The little echo inside my brain that rallies against those things I have not. Fortunately for me it's not the little stuff I trip on ... the window dressings in life like cars, designer clothes, expensive toys. The things that trip me are the things I might never be or no longer am - a mother, Chuck's wife, someone's soulmate. Those rites of passage that seem to pass me by.
And I comfort myself with the sentiment that maybe not being a mother frees me up to be a better Aunt to M & E. And yes, there is nothing in my lifetime that I am more grateful for than the presence of Chuck in it and that he was loved and taken care of in his final years. With Chuck in good and bad my best came shining through. But it came at a high sacrifice. And I'm still finding pieces along the way that need to be reinvented.
Honestly, the envy probably only occupies 10% of my feelings when new babies and marriages arrive on the scene. And it's never impacting my feelings of joy and happiness for others, it just the tune of my life jangling out of tune and time in the center if my being. I wish this wasn't so. Maybe it is part of the human condition. Or some part of my journey that I need to apply compassion to.
In the meantime, I am thankful for all blessings in my life. And continue forward with the knowledge that somethings are just according to a plan of higher purpose than my own.