An unexpected side-effect of my upcoming hiking adventures is the resurrection of memories from my "T" years, early Seattle times. Vivid and various moments popping into my consciousness from our 2+ year relationship. T was the one who taught me lessons about hiking and outdoor etiquette. And it's T's voice echoing through my head as I step further into this adventure. Disturbing, especially since I'm so accustomed to that being Chuck's territory. Instead of feeling like a betrayal, it's a welcome reminder of who I was prior to my lifetime with Chuck. Shining a little acceptance that love will exist again, it'll just be a different chapter.
From this distance I can see with gratitude the gifts and lessons I've taken forward from each of my loves.
My early years in-love were mired in a masochistic quartet of unrequited love. We are not talking the John Hughes worship from afar, the poor gent doesn't know your name type of devotion. Each of my loves were friends who cared deeply for me. Dare-say even loved me. Just not in the way I wanted them to.
And then as I moved cross country the pendulum swung in the opposite direction. No emotional attachment without nooky, leading too often into friends with benefits scenarios. Chemistry ruled the day. Yet when acted upon too quickly Chemistry stale-mates the progress of the relationship. Which left me accepting the only commitment my partners were willing to give me instead of cutting bait and finding what I truly needed. T marks the end of the line on that journey.
So as I step forward into unscripted new chapters, I acknowledge with love and gratitude what I learned from each of my loves that didn't make the final cut. Lessons I carry with me to this day.
- From my high-school years, D ~ thank you for the lesson of learning which team your object of desire plays for and the best/only outcome is to cherish that friendship.
- L ~ thank you for humor and grace. And the valuable lesson that someone you love needs to be supportive and happy for you when you reach out for your dreams. Always look on the Bright Side of Life.
- F ~ the hard lesson from you was that even when actions speak louder than words, the words we choose govern how we will proceed and what we believe. My college years would have been so much more free and filled with love if I just believed you when you said you didn't love me in that way. Doubted my instincts for many years afterwards. Experienced enough now to realize that both my gut intuition and your conflicting words can be right, it's not an either or scenario. There is human spirit and choice in all we do. Thank you for having me as "babe" for our shared time. And for the smile that still crosses my face when I think of the essence of you.
- M #1 ~ Thank you for finally getting the lesson through to me to not fall for someone who isn't falling back. Two years was a long time to wait to realize that our chemistry was incompatible. Wish you well on your journey.
- And my fabulous friend D ~ for the knowledge that my choices were at fault, not my spirit or womanhood. If you allow it love will naturally blossom as fully as it is meant to be. D, you are one of my most cherished and loved friends. Honored to witness for over 20 years the life and lovely family that you've created. And I'm most thankful that time and distance disappear completely on those too rare occasions when we get to connect. Miss you.
- C.A. ~ the secret knowledge that sometimes the Chemistry is just that good. Boy-toys and late night booty calls are great fun and definitely have an expiration date.
- And now we are back to T ~ my greatest lesson from you is to never again settle for being someone's Plan B. You showed me the day-to-day workings and joys of partnership. As my best friend says you were my practice one. I wouldn't have been ready for Chuck without you coming along first. And your gift of the love of hiking and wanderlust on Saturday afternoons are helping pave the road back to myself at heart. They are important bricks on my path into a beautiful future. Merci beaucoup. Peace be with you.
With love and thanks to each of you ~ I close the chapters of my boyfriends past. Open to dream of the next chapter's beginning.
Comments