This isn't the post I set down to write. I'm surprised. The words that are fighting to be sent flying into cyberspace don't reflect my day. Hope and productivity were the words for today. I expected to be writing about my weekend at my sisters, or the lovely roasted chicken I made for dinner or random happy thoughts.
But placing my hands on the keyboard, the tears started to flow. For weeks now I've been feeling the tide pulling me into a new phase of grief. And its' not subtle. It seems the songs and passages that have been capturing me have a common undeniable theme. Letting go.
Gearing up for another leap of faith. The foundation I am laying for the next chapters of my life can't be complete until I let Chuck go as my husband and gracefully, wholly accept him as my late husband. And I have done so much work already, so much....
We lived a whole lifetime in our 4 years & 4 months together. Time is such an inadequate measure of the nature, volume and maturity of our love. That love reached depths to span many lifetimes. And still, I fear this transition. Letting Chuck truly become my past and be a spiritual soul-mate. I'm irrationally frightened of forgetting who we were as the course of my life unfolds. My heart continually breaks so easily over the loss of Chuck, our future, our hoped for children, the dreams we wanted to pursue, the life we envisioned, the people we were and the potential of who we'd become. Yet, I mend it over and over again, proving my life force is strong.
And sure, some memories will fade away as time continues. How do I keep from losing too much?
I saw a rainbow today from my deck. Someday I'll tell you my beautiful rainbow story from my anniversary. Since then whenever I see a rainbow it's like a secret hello from Chuck. Maybe this is the source of my tears today. Maybe a release was just necessary.
In my travels since Chuck has passed I have taken to sending him postcards to the condo. In my own brand of magical thinking, by sending my written sentiments to him publicly the words are bound to find Chuck where ever he may be. This blog has performed a similar function at times like this.
To my honey Chuck - I love you beyond measure. I'm working toward being able to let you go as my husband. This action does not reflect any loss of love for you, only a necessary step I must undertake to continue my journey forward. Remember to love another is to learn the song that is in their heart and sing it too them when they forget. Right now, this is the song in my heart for you. I love you...
You've touched my heart, you've touched my soul
You've changed my life & all my goals
And love is blind & that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips & held your head
Shared your dreams & shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
I'm a dreamer & when I wake
You can't break my spirit - its my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me
Remember us & all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile
I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the mother of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears & you know mine
We've had our doubts & now we're fine
And I love you, I swear that's true
I can not live without you
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
And I still hold your hand in mine
In mine, when I'm asleep
And I will bare my soul in time
When I'm kneeling at your feet
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
I'm so hollow baby, I'm so hollow
"Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt
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