Time difference between Belgium & Seattle bites. One of the two of us is always having a late night when we catch up. Sleepiness well worth it though.
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Ross kitty apparently has overcome his fear of company. Ghost kitty no more! He actively participated in all of Chick Flick Friday last night. Didn't hurt that we had delicious anti-pasta plates out for snacking.
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Never one to do things the ordinary way - I am trying all new recipes on my company this weekend. Last night was a scrumptious pesto lasagna. Tonight I'm trying 3 new dishes. Why play it safe?
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Saturday morning breakfast out is the best!
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Favorite part of winter - ice cold water straight out of the faucet.
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Hand-held steam cleaners ROCK. Acquired one a few weeks ago. Does a great job on the granite counter tops, stainless steel, tile and mirrors. All without toxic chemicals.
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Happy B-day B!
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Its been a great week & weekend for catching up with friends.
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My current favorite hugger is Mairead. She gives full body enthusiastic hugs. My Dad comes in as a close 2nd.
Spent some quality time with my friend Canon yesterday. We unexpectedly received snow overnight. I wanted to capture some images from my favorite neighborhood spot, Matthews Beach on Lake Washington.
Finally, a release has been achieved! I'm processing a lot these days:
job hunting
interview prep
just want do you want to be when you grow up anyway
another graduate course in grief
health issues
finances
boredom
organization of space
spiritual growth & questioning some beliefs
miscellaneous other issues, etc.
Do I need to go on?
Aside from seeing friends & family, my mind has not had much of a break from mulling all this over recently. This afternoon with 100 things on my to-do-list, I tossed it aside and spent a few hours making felted scarves for gifts in addition to this evening's felting class. I haven't created anything new in a few weeks. While I'm working diligently on knitting 2 baby blankets, the end is still far out of sight. And only at the end will the sense of accomplishment come.
After spending hours lost in creation, my mind quieted and let go of all the questions for a while. I feel more peaceful than I have in weeks. This lesson I keep learning over and over. When I permit myself the time and space to create I am happier, healthier and less stressed. And the worries, obligations, struggles and mind work gets a rest. I'm present and content.
At this moment, I'm at peace.
Remember this feeling next time you are fighting your soul's urge to spend a few hours creating.
Spent this past weekend with Heather & the girls to celebrate Heather's birthday. For their date with Aunt Nette, the girls wanted a trip to the Point Defiance Zoo in Tacoma. While I throughly enjoy our zoo here in Seattle, the Point Defiance Zoo scores high marks with their pair of Beluga Whales and trio of Walruses. It's an hour plus drive down, thank god for Little Einsteins for entertainment. "Aunt Jeannette - no signing!"
An absolutely beautiful day and the view of Mount Rainier was glorious. At times it was as challenging as herding cats, but I loved every moment of it!
POSTCARDS from Aunt Nette time at the Point Defiance Zoo
Mairead popping out of sea creature
Girls in play land
Emmie & Mairead climbing on family statue.
Walrus & Mairead
So long Walrus!
Muskox - Mairead kept shouting Must-cock which kept making me giggle. "What's funny Aunt Nette?" "Nothing honey, nothing!"
Beluga Whale show
Jump, Beluga jump!
Beautiful Mt Rainier view
Here's looking at you.
It must have been feeding time for the porcupines. They came flying up to the front of the glass from both sides of the exhibit. Remind me to stay out of their way, especially at feeding time.
Emmie's favorite
Mairead on the Carousel riding horse #1. A shot where she was not neighing.
Emmie on the Pig. She was happy to ride her favorite animals the Pig & the Elephant. "Pap, wouldn't let me ride the Elephant last time" - she told me as we entered the zoo. Poor Pap, that isn't an accurate account, but that's what she remembers. Wasn't making the mistake of not letting her ride both!
This isn't the post I set down to write. I'm surprised. The words that are fighting to be sent flying into cyberspace don't reflect my day. Hope and productivity were the words for today. I expected to be writing about my weekend at my sisters, or the lovely roasted chicken I made for dinner or random happy thoughts.
But placing my hands on the keyboard, the tears started to flow. For weeks now I've been feeling the tide pulling me into a new phase of grief. And its' not subtle. It seems the songs and passages that have been capturing me have a common undeniable theme. Letting go.
Gearing up for another leap of faith. The foundation I am laying for the next chapters of my life can't be complete until I let Chuck go as my husband and gracefully, wholly accept him as my late husband. And I have done so much work already, so much....
We lived a whole lifetime in our 4 years & 4 months together. Time is such an inadequate measure of the nature, volume and maturity of our love. That love reached depths to span many lifetimes. And still, I fear this transition. Letting Chuck truly become my past and be a spiritual soul-mate. I'm irrationally frightened of forgetting who we were as the course of my life unfolds. My heart continually breaks so easily over the loss of Chuck, our future, our hoped for children, the dreams we wanted to pursue, the life we envisioned, the people we were and the potential of who we'd become. Yet, I mend it over and over again, proving my life force is strong.
And sure, some memories will fade away as time continues. How do I keep from losing too much?
I saw a rainbow today from my deck. Someday I'll tell you my beautiful rainbow story from my anniversary. Since then whenever I see a rainbow it's like a secret hello from Chuck. Maybe this is the source of my tears today. Maybe a release was just necessary.
In my travels since Chuck has passed I have taken to sending him postcards to the condo. In my own brand of magical thinking, by sending my written sentiments to him publicly the words are bound to find Chuck where ever he may be. This blog has performed a similar function at times like this.
To my honey Chuck - I love you beyond measure. I'm working toward being able to let you go as my husband. This action does not reflect any loss of love for you, only a necessary step I must undertake to continue my journey forward. Remember to love another is to learn the song that is in their heart and sing it too them when they forget. Right now, this is the song in my heart for you. I love you...
You've touched my heart, you've touched my soul
You've changed my life & all my goals
And love is blind & that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips & held your head
Shared your dreams & shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
I'm a dreamer & when I wake
You can't break my spirit - its my dreams you take
We are in that time of the year in the lovely PNW that dawn comes at a relatively civil hour. No longer the dead of December when your daily commute is started in the stark blackness of the night. Nor is the sun knocking at your consciousness as early as 4:30am as it is fond of doing in the early summer. In the past few weeks we've witnessed some glorious sunrises. Alas, today when I have my sister's stunning east facing windows to the world, we have the typical socked in cloudy Seattle day. Daylight just sort of subtly crept in. Well, it is sunday after all. Even the sun deserves a lazy day.
Today we are celebrating my sister's birthday. May the day be filled with fun and lots of love. Oh - and the scones at Chinooks will be a great way to start. Happy Birthday Heather - love your big sister!
How is it that I can be around all day (including a short nap) without the cats' acknowledgement, but I lay down to do a 30 minute meditation and Ross can't leave me alone? Do you know how hard it is to breathe deeply, let alone focus your mind with a 12+ pound cat getting cozy on your chest?
I don't recommend it! That's a karmic foul on the cat.
Writing to you from giddiness central here. My boy Griffey is coming back to Seattle to close out his career. It's rare in this day in age for a player to return to his roots for a victory lap. And I will be ecstatically cheering him on.
I moved to Seattle in the midst of the Mariners' historical 1995 season. Major League Baseball and the Pirates had done their damnedest to beat the fan out of me in the early 90s. Any Pirate fan can't forget the heart wrenching endings to the 90, 91, 92 seasons and the subsequent fire sale from which the franchise has never recovered. Bonds...oh don't get me started, my blood still boils over on that man. Throw in a strike killing the end of the 1994 season and I had thrown in the towel on the whole sport.
And then the Mariners and Ken Griffey Jr happened to me. Being alone in Seattle, I'd spend evenings at TS McHughs watching the Mariners games. The enthusiasm, joy and spirit the team played with in their chase for the M's first ever post season hooked me in heart and soul. And it was Ken Griffey Jr that lead the charge. Junior was able to reach the little girl in me who'd sneak her transistor radio into bed to follow the Pirate games well past her bedtime. Junior inspired that same pure love of the game that I had long ago forgotten. The Mariners reminded me of how fun, strategic and exciting baseball was. It was a magical time that forever bonded me to this city, this team and of course to Junior.
When Griffey asked to be traded to Cincinnati, that little girl in me was heart-broken, absolutely crushed. But by then I belonged to the Mariners. Safeco Field became my happy place. Eventually I just became thankful to Griffey for rekindling my love of baseball.
In 2007, Griffey returned to Safeco Field for the first time with the Reds. Injuries had kept him away from the 2001 All Star Game. Ginny & I had tickets for the Sunday game of the series. I'd not had that much fun at a ball game in years. The amount of love the sold out stadium heaped upon Junior was incredible, genuine and heartwarming. It was impossible for us to root against our Griffey, so we cheer for him AND our Mariners. It was amazing. That afternoon was a wonderful gift for me as it was only months after Chuck passed and those hours at the ballpark was the first time I was fully present and happy again. Such a joyful breath of air.
The Griffey we receive will not be the superstar he was when we had him last. Injuries and age have taken their toll. But he'll mentor our young club, be the dream DH we've been craving since Edgar left and give us all pleasure in watching that sweet swing for one last season. It'll be a fun, love-fest of a season in "The House that Griffey Built" aka Safeco Field.
Ken Griffey Jr is going to be back in a Seattle Mariners uniform. A beautiful sight to behold.
There is something about chocolate. The romance, the delicacy, the sigh my soul hums when I enjoy a luscious bite. Hmmmmm. Can you hear the smile at the end of that?
I subscribe to dark chocolate school of thought. It's the bittersweet edge that intrigues me. That being said, I'll rarely turn down a good swiss or belgium milk chocolate. And here's my inner foodie proclamation, "Life is too short to eat mediocre chocolate." One small piece of fine chocolate will satisfy me far greater than bags full of our hershey/mars massed produced confections. A snickers versus a hand crafted chocolate truffle is like comparing a kiss from your dog to a kiss from your lover. One brings funny, cute comfort and the other can light you up to the depths of your being. It's almost unfair that they are called the same name - chocolate.
This weekend I indulged myself with chocolate. Valentine's Day was in there after all. Instead of relying on the run-of-the-mill, heart-shaped box of candies, I baked my favorite brownies recipe from "Tartine." Baked with love and a pound of melted dark chocolate - Ghirardelli's 60% bittersweet chocolate chips to be exact. Very dark, rich, soft and moist brownies. Yum! I need to find a home to share these with soon!
And yesterday, I made my first chicken mole. For those of you that haven't tried this dish, it's a mexican speciality with a sauce made of spices, peppers, tomatoes and chocolate. It's pretty labor intensive and I was thrilled to learn a few tricks while making the dish. The recipe I was following was in my "Spice Bible". The results from the recipe was a sauce that had a hint of chocolate with the spices and peppers taking center stage. I utilized Ghiradelli's 100% cacao unsweetened baking chocolate on this dish. Thanks to Ginny's mole testing expertise, tripling the chocolate and a hint of brown sugar, we produced a mole sauce that showcased the chocolate and rocked! With the tweaks noted, it's a definite keeper.
My chocolate cravings have been beautifully satisfied for now.
I'll close with some pictures Chuck & I took in Belgium of the chocolates we came across in our travels. Chuck's favorite was the woman's bust in chocolate. You can email me directly if you want to see that one and I'll send it to you. They were impressive!
POSTCARDS: BELGIUM CHOCOLATES
Janie - this was our favorite in Antwerp. You should check it out next time you are there.
This Valentine's Day I'm thankful for all the love that is in my life. And blessed to be spending the day in the company of good friends. This is my perfect Valentine. Each picture reminds me of LOVE. People I love and moments from my life that were bursting at the seams with love.
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