Ever watch National Lampoon's European Vacation? The family is trapped in large traffic rotary in London and they keep passing parliament. "Look kids, Big Ben!" - over and over again. And upon awakening this morning I realize that my healing journey is stuck because I'm in this huge emotional juggernaut passing by the same landmarks over and over again. And the common theme underlying them all - things I need to forgive.
A hard truth I learned a long time ago is that we humans make the best decisions we can given where we are, what we know and who we are at the time. Especially in situations where love is involved family, friends, self. That doesn't say our actions are always righteous or for that matter harmless. It just means that it is pretty rare that the amount of damage inflicted is intentional.
To forgive doesn't mean you need to continue a relationship, behavior or forget what happened. Some things need to follow their natural course and end. Forgiveness is ultimately a gift to yourself for it frees you from the burden of carrying around all those powerful negative emotions inside. It releases them into the cosmos and healing can truly begin.
In regards to Chuck's illness and passing I keep visiting old wounds. Not intentionally, but there is a loop of moments and conversations that keep bubbling up into my consciousness. My In-laws come to the fore-front and carry the heaviest bulk. Finishing of the estate will release my internal ties - I hope. Their message is clear my participation in their family is not desired. And for my own health and soul, I need bid peace and finally part ways.
My hardest work remains with myself. I acknowledge that I did the best I was capable of while care taking Chuck. But it's the few tests that I failed that I can't let go of, and they are big ones. Our denial that lead to our decision for me to continue plans and not be at a critical appointment. It doesn't matter what has happened since, I haven't been able to forgive myself for this one. And then there is the last time I saw him alive. He was sleeping peacefully. I never left the house without waking him to let him know I was going out. I didn't want him to worry if he awoke and I wasn't there. This fateful morning we had a conversation 30 minutes prior to my going to the laundry mat. I had explained my plans for the morning, made him comfortable and exchanged love yous. He was so exhausted. I didn't have the heart to wake him up after I finally loaded the car and headed off to the laundry mat. I rationalized that when he woke, he'd see the Starbucks drink I left for him and know where I was in the sequence. Reality is he never woke up. I found his spirit gone - exactly where I left him, drink untouched.
And in all that I lost in that moment of finding Chuck, was my last opportunity for him to hear me say I love you.
My brain has rationalized 100s potential outcomes if I had awaken him. Maybe if I had he'd have not left peacefully. What if he had been awake when it happened, what if it had prolonged his life, what if he would not have let go, what if... The truth is my decision, made out of compassion for him, cost me the last time to say I love you and goodbye. And this is the decision my soul keeps asking for forgiveness from Chuck, from me. Each time this comes up I cry it out and re-reconcile it. But next time my soul cries out for forgiveness, the intensity has not diminished.
Are there just moments in life that you just can't forgive even for yourself, no matter how hard you work? Or have I not found the right path yet? Either way, the message is coming through loud and clear to me. Keep on trying.
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