Yes, it seems like we blinked and another December is upon us. The days are shorter and darker bringing a distinct chill to the air. Christmas lights transform our neighborhoods into romantic magical lanes. There is an extra hustle in our step, parties to arrange, gifts to find and special dinners to prepare. Life in all its splendor and sorrow screams at the top of its lung at us unlike any other time of year.
This will be my second Christmas season without Chuck. The hole left in my life by his absence can never be filled. I imagine the place I carry Chuck in my heart will always ache for him. The difference between this Christmas season and last is that I know I will survive it. I'm far enough down this road to know in my heart, mind and soul even when I am in the midst of the worse grief attack that this moment too will pass. That I will allow myself to swing back towards the sweetness of life and hope. I've learned to be in two spaces - I can enjoy the moment and still wish we could enjoy it together.
So it brings me to my last hold out - the tree. You have to understand our Christmas tree was the perfect blend of Jeannette & Chuck and US. All our ornaments have meaning. We both have a set from our childhoods and the ornaments were collected and handed down with care. And then there is US. All our occasions and travels in our time together is marked with an ornament. The blown glass bride and groom, the painted globes from Sedonna, the first ornament I gave him, Mickey & Minnie from Disneyland... you get the picture. The last time my tree was up in 2006 was Chuck's last Christmas. We feared it would be his last holiday although at the time intuition was the only confirming factor. God, it took us 6 hours to decorate the tree because we sobbed over every bloody ornament. It was horrible, no one should know that they are decorating their last tree. In the end we started throwing ornaments on the tree because we needed it done. It was the saddest tree I have ever seen, but we deserved bonus points for the effort.
So here I am two years later and I can't face going through those ornaments. Not here, not during the holidays. As with the rest of our life together I need to sort, distribute and keepsake the most meaningful pieces. And some pieces need to be let go to allow space in my life and on my tree for other people and experiences to fill. I'm not quite ready to un-merge my tree and I can't bear seeing it as ours one last time.
And there lies my answer... this year, not to tree. I've hung some lights and glass bulbs in the windows. There are wreaths, candles and music to bring the holiday cheer to my home. For another year, that will have to be enough.
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