Evolving Sweetie

The Flight from Freedom

What would you do with more personal time? If your ties and responsibilities dissolved or lessened. Would you be happier? Write that novel, reorg the garage, learn to play the guitar... 

How many of us wish for more? Silently breathe a sigh of relief with a layoff that there may be a few weeks of time that partially can be devoted a big self improvement project. Only to find few things off the to-do list when a job comes knocking again. 

Learned a few lessons about myself and freedom the past handful of years. It's alot of work to be free. Longing for attachment and belonging to another gets in the way.  The desire to build a life with someone in the frame work of a family no matter how small that unit is defined is a underlying tow. Untethered you can reach incredible dizzying heights and equally low depths. But the momentum is solely yours to create. And it can be exhausting.

Sometimes, I find I need to drag myself kicking and screaming into things that I enjoy to do. Gardening is one. In theory I love it, in practice it's peaceful and calming to whole being. So why is it a constant battle to show up to pull the weeds? Cooking enacts the same struggle. Love the smells, sound and rhythm of cooking. And it's like pulling teeth to get me to cook for myself on a consistent basis. 

Now that a normal schedule is at hand, I've more freedom to create, dream, provide self care and balance. My excuse is gone. And I'm struggling a bit with indecision. Yes - I can accomplish something every night if I chose. Why so often does that choice result in my feet up, unplugged on the couch? In the face of so many options my default is the path of least resistance. And it doesn't bring happiness or self love. 

Beginning to understand why I tend to be an elaborate planner. I need the push and pull of deadlines artificial or not. Work so much better with some structure around my time off, I need some accountability and accomplishment. Sacrificing a bit of freedom and spontaneity. 

So my self challenge as we head into a new month is to pick a handful of things on that long to-do list and complete them. Pick a one thing from the creative column, one from the self care, one from the spiritual list and one from the nagging chores. Narrow down the many to the few and see what happens. I'll let you know as soon as I define them.

August, here I come. 

 

Change of Vocation

Hello! It's been a crazy few weeks. Exhilarated to report that next week starts a new chapter in my career. I accepted a staff position at the University of Washington supporting the IT department. Thrilled for a change of environment, new people to meet, project scope, closer to home, more normal schedule...its all a win win. 

It's been hard to leave go of my coworkers voluntarily. Worked closely with some for over 5 years through Chuck's illness and passing, new marriages and babies, a lost company and a new one. Aching that I won't be there to help them any longer. But there was no more growth where I was and I felt my light fading away daily. Remember Jeannette, you can't be there for or save anyone else if you don't first put on your own oxygen mask.  

So I am breathing in excitement, little nervousness, hope, challenge, opportunity and growth. And it very well may be the catalyst to change the other areas in my life that need fine tuning. Plus now I'll truly be a Husky. Go Purple. Be Gold.

Stay tuned, exciting things are afoot!!! 

 

Gearing Up for Hiking Season

After many years of wistfulness, I summoned up the courage to join "The Mountaineers". A PNW institution.  For those not from around these parts, it's an outdoor adventure club that sponsors activities such as hiking, climbing, sailing, scrambling, snow-shoeing to name a few and a bunch of social activities for its members. A great organization and plenty of opportunity to learn new sports and skills. 

Did I mention that they are right across the street from me? The funny thing is that they were head quartered right down the street from my apt in my "single" years. Figured it was kismet since the HQ is following me throughout the city.

Signed up for a course called "Basic Wilderness Travel" or BWT for the summer. My goal is to expand upon my hiking knowledge and have a steady commitment and group of people to get out into nature with. Watch out - I'm going to learn to wield a map and compass. Some first aid basics in the wild will be imparted. And a few other surprises along the way. Excited to learn, meet new people and get outside and explore! 

Part of the code of the Mountaineers is that everyone is equipped with The Ten Essentials. Always be prepared for changes in weather, injuries or the unexpected overnight stay due to unsafe traveling conditions. Carry what you will need to keep you safe enough to be able to walk out in the morning should the situation arise.

At this stage of my adventure, this means adding a lot more gear and obtaining a significantly larger pack. Thank god for Value Village to get some additional basic layering clothes. Belated thank you for all those gift certificates I've been squirreling away for a rainy day. They've turned into shoes, better exercise bras and a lovely assortment of wool socks. Exciting stuff I tell you.

There were two expensive items that I knew I'd really need going into the course. Hiking Boots - it was a sad discovery last year to find I outgrew them. Many miles were traveled on those boots and they fit like a glove - NO BLISTERS! Not looking forward to breaking in a new pair.  And while I was not a slouch in the carrying extra water and food department, the previously mentioned a new pack is a absolute necessity. REI to the rescue. Took some of the sting out of the new pack with my members sale coupon and last year's dividend. Yahoo!

Now I just have to acquire a motley assortment of waterproof matches, firestarter, first-aid kit, head-lamp, compass and a variety of maps. And locate where I placed Chuck's knife and my leatherman. 

Lookout trails, I'm coming to get you this season.

 

 

Renewal

Funny how time just slips away. I've yearned for this space often without finding the inspiration or the expression. Lost thoughts, emotions not willing to be explored further and withdrawal. 

In the midst of my personal March madness again which technically starts winding up my internal springs as February approaches. Thankfully things set in motion this time to shatter all the windows and blow open all the doors of my being. Lots of tough love was administered from various angles illuminating a few truths that I needed to look long and hard at.

• Standing pat is not the same as processing or growing. Pretty much checked out of the hard grief work and processing over the past year. As I review my commitment and comments here, it's evident to me that lack of attention on my part. And the truth is I haven't been able to let Chuck go. Not to the degree that I can build a healthy, vibrant relationship with someone else. 

• Loving what is. Giving myself permission to love my life just as it happened and as it is. Bryon Katie has a book "Loving What Is" about embracing reality for what was meant to happen, happened. Her method is called "The Work" containing a series of 4 questions that we should ask ourselves of any given difficulty. Our suffering stems from attachment and assigning meaning to life's outcomes. My favorite question is "How would I be different if I didn't think or feel this way?" It's powerful.

• Cancer ISN'T happening to Chuck now. The "AHA" moment in this thought to me was that I am the only one who is still caught in the loop of Chuck's cancer and struggles. Chuck is freed and at peace. My family and friends, who were blessed with fewer difficult memories from this time, are free to carry forward the true essence of Chuck and found peace. That doesn't mean he is forgotten and not missed in their lives. But I've been so traumatized and devastated by his battle with cancer/loss that between the anger, heart-break, sorrow and grief there is little room for love and gratitude to flourish. Forcing the happy memories stay buried under the difficult ones. 

• Carrying Chuck's cancer around is KILLING me. This inability to move beyond the painful cancer memories is killing my spirit and our love. At that same time that this realization was dawning I learned of a techniques EFT or tapping that helps process emotions through the body for release. I've adapted these techniques and set a few appointments to work thorough the hard stuff. It's facilitated more healing in this short month timeframe that I've seen in years.

• Lightness of being. My greatest wish is for lightness. Lightness of heart, spirt, mind and body. Heaviness has ground my life for over 6 years now. I want to soar, create, laugh and love to greater degrees. For my natural state to be at peace, not struggling to obtain or maintain it. 

• Fall in Love with ME all over again. Here is the hardest lesson of them all. Time to become me and to love being me again. One step is to stop thinking of myself as Chuck's wife and widow. Yes, they are roles I have been and have lovingly shaped the woman I am. But neither is fully me, not even close. Time for engaging in things that bring me happiness and joy. Reigniting that spark of creativity. Take pleasure in the freedom to fill my free time with my heart desires versus balancing the needs of a family, partner etc. Feed, nurture and fully loving me. This is the greatest key to my happiness and rebuilding a life I love. Someday that will include a partner, a fulfilling career and hopefully my own family however that appears. But right now, it's all about healing and loving myself. 

So I'm re-dedicating this space to the exploration of all things that bring me pleasure and joy. While acknowledging the occasional hard lesson processing. My goals for this year are to grow and learn new hobbies and passions. Rebalance my physical health to active and vibrant. And live in gratitude and joy.

 

Wheat Free Zone

In the name of health and all things good, I've decided to give up wheat. Wheat & gluten intolerance can cause a plethora of issues - sinus infections, inflammation, arthritis, digestive discord, psoriasis, insulin resistance...just to name a few. Being plagued by a number of miscellaneous diseases that seem to stem from an auto-immune response I decided to give this a whirl. That and resign my daily mocha habit. 

Been on this journey for almost 2 weeks now. First I notice how pervasive wheat has been in my diet and our culture. It's everywhere. Out loud and proud, as well as hidden in some sneaky places. Dressings, sauces, snacks, vitamins...watch out! 

Learned a long ago to shop the perimeter of the grocery store and rarely venture into the processed waste land in the middle. No, my vice, down-fall, Achilles heel is eating out. Driven forcefully by my needs for comfort, variety, socialization and flat-out habit. The times of my weight surges have always been in direct correlation to the frequency of my dining out ventures. One summer working summer stock at CLO, I gain 20+ in 3 months due to the schedule and eating on the go constantly. Definitely can attribute most of what I call the cancer/mourning weight gain to it. Chuck couldn't take the smells of cooked food during treatment so I dined outside of the home for most meals. When he passed, dining out was something to do in the evening to avoid an empty home. The madness has to stop somewhere.

Cutting out wheat has forced my hand on some dietary changes or disciplines that I've been wanting to and needing to enforce.

1. Cutting down the eating out. The options for impulse, fast-food, grab and go eating become very limited. Plan is to ONLY eat out as a social activity, with friends. No more dining alone.

2. Adding more fruits and veggies to the mix. Color up that plate.

3. Planning and preparing for meals and snacks.

4. Reducing the frequency of treats.

5. Becoming more mindful about what is going into my body.

After two weeks of cutting out the obvious wheat (not label reading for all gluten) I've lost 5lbs without much effort. No calorie counting obsessions, or frenetic exercise. My skin and face appear less agitated and puffy. The amount of digestive incidences are greatly reduced. And my energy stores are improving. Have I been perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I'm betting that I've been 90%+ on track. And hopeful that I'll be more and more successful as time goes on.

For the next few months I'm going to concentrate on being wheat free and getting consistent exercise. Excited to see how my health and body respond.

Happy Saturday!

Results

Reminded this morning that I did blog about my recent health scare and that followup is required. Thanks S! The fabulous news is that I'm not battling the Big C. Whew!  The disturbing news is that the changes seen in my mouth needed to be cleaned out. And the spots were the first level of "pre-cancer". While the biopsies cleaned out the effected tissue and were treated, it's be up to me and my dental team to keep a focused eye for new changes. Awareness is the first step.

Lucky? Yes! But after what we went through with Chuck's cancer, I'm hyper sensitive to changes in that area. Here's a clear case for being aware of your body and investigating things that maybe scary to you. The earlier you find something - the better.

And how to proceed from here? This is a HUGE wake-up call for me to take my health and stress levels seriously. All signs point to an immune system under mass amounts of stress is fertile ground for breeding chaos. Weight needs to come off, healthier eating patterns established, and a practice of daily stress relief activities are ALL necessary. 

And drawing a clear boundary between work and personal time is a must. I've a tendency to let this one drift too many times out of habit or duty when picking again tomorrow may yield the similar results. Of course, schedule drives many additional work hours. But I need to be smarter about stepping away for the night when that rush task is complete. Versus riding the wave of adrenaline to polish up a few more things. Not respecting my personal time consistently shorts my time and energy to cook healthy, get consistent exercise and engage in activities that call in happiness. And a downward spiral of stress and depression creeps in it's wake. 

Striving for better balance to create the best me possible.

Lessons Learned

Some where in the last handful of years I've learned some hard won lessons. Maybe it falls in the category of not borrowing trouble. Or preservation of precious energy and resources. But I'm proud to say, they were BIG ones.

For the past few months I've had a few spots in my mouth that were troublesome - abnormal. Given my personal experience with Chuck's oral cancer, I'm pretty aware and vigilant about noticing changes in that area. We both have/had a significant risk factor (not the traditional smoking or drinking). And I know oh too well what road changes in this area can lead too.

Lesson #1 - No matter how scary the outcome can be, get it checked! This may seem like a no brainer as the sooner you catch the big C the higher your chances of fighting the battle successfully into survivorship. It's a scary journey and the denial is a powerful force. However, it's vitally important to know what you are dealing with. And if it is a benign symptom of something else, that piece of mind is pure GOLD that will go a long way to protecting your future health.

Needless to say, I got into my Dentist right away and had the changes looked at. Although he suspected that cancer was not at play here. After 2 months of watching with out other changes, we decided on getting further testing through an oral surgeon or ENT.

Lesson #2 - Trust your gut. Without much hesitation I scheduled my followup appointment with Chuck's surgeon. He's the best in the city and frankly if I'm facing the worst case scenario he is the one I want in my corner. Yes, it brings the baggage of all the memories surrounding Chuck's illness, but honestly those memories pop up anytime I'm at the dentist or dealing with mouth issues. At least I'm surrounded by people that know Chuck's and my history. And I know he'd be kind and frank with me one way or the other. On a side note - if anyone ever needs an ENT for Seattle, call me for this referral.

Last week's appointment at the ENT lead to yesterday's procedure under general anesthesia, biopsies and a throat scope. He too concurred that he thought things would be "perfectly BENIGN", but we needed to have a look up close and personal. Much better safe than sorry.

Lesson #3 - Don't panic. This one was HUGE for me. While I told the closest people in my life what was happening, I adopted a very matter of fact attitude. Although painfully aware of what these changes could mean, I employed some help on sifting out other symptoms we observed with Chuck's case that were missing here. Unexplained weight loss, rapid growth etc. I allowed myself a very short window of a day or 2 to ponder that worse case scenario and feel the fear. Made sure that I had some help on board. And then - as amazing as this is - let go of the fear and anxiety. 

Engaged in a very Zen mind set and let it sit in the unknown. The truth is it already is what it is. If it's not cancer than I'd create months & days of stress in my body that would be harmful to my health long term. I've enough stresses to work out of my body and soul from the last 5 years. And if it is cancer pre-worrying and stressing throughout this time would squander precious energy and resources would be necessary for the battle ahead. Yes, it definitely helped that the medical professional were all leaning towards a benign verdict. Absolutely. But we've been in the small percentage every time with Chuck's illness. And I know too much in this particular area.

While I don't have the official lab results yet, all signs point to Benign. Many more areas of my mouth were biopsied that I expected. But there was a tech with a microscope looking at the tissues in the surgery arena. The Dr said everything looked good to him. 

It's worth the pain of recovery and inconvenience of a few days of missed work to know the truth. My instincts tell me that it's already ok and the results will confirm that soon. Hopefully they will point us in the direction of why this is happening so I can take other actions. And I'll continue to stay present in the now.

Thanks to my listening to my instincts and hard won wisdom even in the face of something so terrifying, peace is mine. 

Choosing Health

Finally getting some traction on the goal of getting healthy. The last few weeks has seen appointments to the doctor and dentist to get the overall state of the union. And plans to strengthen my foundation are in order. And a tall order it is. The good news is that nothing's so far gone that some lifestyle changes and work won't rectify the situations. How did I become 40+ years old, feeling like I'm in the 50s?!? Life happened.

My first order of business is to reverse the last handful of years and their visible effects. Grief, care-taking and stress have added close to 30 lbs to my frame. There are so many choices I've made in a grief-stricken haze to provide comfort. To apply a bandage to stop my soul from hemorrhaging my life away. And all those actions helped me get through to where I am today - in one piece and hopeful about the next chapters of my life. 

It's time to hush it inner critic, let guilt and shame go. There is no room for beating myself up and taking positive action in the same space. They'd just cancel each other out and leave exhaustion the wake. To those 30 lbs I "affectionately" have dubbed the cancer weight, thank you for providing the comfort and protection from the world at large while I loved, fought and mourned. You've helped insulate me from situations that I was not yet equipped to handle and gifted me with the time to work my emotions through to a livable balance. Your serves are no longer necessary. I'm setting you free.

And thus my first milestone is set. The aim is to be back to my wedding weight by my next anniversary - 6 months from now. Stay tuned.