Evolving Sweetie

Time Doubled Up

Time is not my friend.  A significant milestone is passing me by as I sleep tonight. Life beyond Chuck is now longer than life with him. It's not something I've been ticking down to or circled on a calendar to commemorate. Just an internal knowing and the alarm sounded last night. Missing erupts through the surface when my defenses are at their breaking point - late Sunday night most likely. Whispers you should be here. Tears bubble forth in sacrifice once more to drain the river of sorrow that streams through my heart. 

It dawned on me as I was swept away last night I'm on the edge of time doubling on itself. Promised myself that I wouldn't mourn longer than I loved you. A broken promise. Hoped by now to have authored a new love chapter or two. Forgot my love life unfolds in heavy bound novels. I love hard and long.  Years pass in my process of letting go, well before death do us part entered the picture. 

I know grief does not have an expiration date and neither does love. Yes, it hurts less most of the time. Yes, I'm enjoying my rebuilt life. But the echo in the hollow space were you resided still brings me to tears. And the missing of you aches to my core.

Yes my dear, I know the time you will need to share me with another is fast approaching. I feel you welcoming it, urging me along. I feel my readiness becoming more steadfast.

Someday soon...

Snapshot of Love

Rare is the day that you know how absolutely loved and cherished you are. Your wedding day is such an occasion. Family and friends from all parts of your life witness and rejoice as you step forward into a future entwined with your beloved. The day sparkles and bursts at the seams with love.

Seven years ago sweet Chuck, we married. Now viewing from this perspective, I'm so thankful that we didn't know what life would deal us just a little down the road. Gifted with beautiful memories and mementos of this day that shined brightly with our love, hope and joy. As true as it was seven years ago, I am honored and blessed to have been your wife. I love you and miss you my husband, friend and soul-mate.

After reviewing hundreds of images from our wedding, this snapshot of us dancing alone under the Arc De Triomphe best captures how I remember this day. And I can still hear you singing in my ear.

Happy Anniversary my love.  

Toast to You

Today, you would have been 42 years old. Yet time stands still at 37. 

My dearest Chuck, I raise a toast of thanks to the heavens for the day you were born. Your light shined through a big heart with laughter, wicked humor, love, loyalty, valor, honor, abundance and grace. You were a true husband, son and friend. The person we all counted on to be by our side when the chips were down. The world was a better place with you in it. 

Happy birthday, my love.

 

Heart Song

Visited by a brief moment of clarity today, while I was singing in the car on drive home. Just how spectacularly beautiful Chuck's love lit up my heart. And oh, how much I miss it.

You may think that this would be a given like the blood coursing through my veins. Or breathing in and out. But life has a funny way of overwhelming simple truths. Building conflicts and walls around the things we hold most dear to us. Is the attempt to numb and insulate ourselves from the pain?  Or does the routine chores of living erode our heart's desires?

There's a painting of a huge heart on my wall inscribed with love quotes that I bought Chuck right after the cancer resurged. He love it and thought it was written just for us. The verse that captured the essence of us is "To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten."

My love Chuck, I've forgotten the melody. How I'd give anything to hear you sing it loudly, jangled out of tune. Filling up my heart once more. 

 

 

Trek to Lola

Planning the itinerary home for my cousin's wedding, a daytrip to Cleveland was on the top of my list to check out one of Iron Chef Michael Symon's restaurants. Love to watch the sheer joy and passion he cooks with. Michael Symon's enthusiasm reminds me of the abundance, details and love that my Chuck put into his own creations. And don't get me started on the love of the Pig they share in common. Anyone else remember the 100 lb wedding pig on a spit in our postage stamp of a backyard? This was my opportunity to experience the essence of Symon's cooking first hand. So what's a little 2.5 hour drive for lunch?

Apparently, Seattle weather followed me as it was spitting rain the entire trip. Melting the blue collar, working town landscapes of my childhood with the moody greys of my present felt timeless and perfect. Navi did a reliable job of delivering my Dad & I to Lola's doorstep 15 minutes prior to our reservation.

The restaurant combines elegance, intimacy, hip modernism and a splash of nostalgia into an inviting atmosphere. The open kitchen was enchanting and kept catching my eye. Everyone we encountered was very friendly and looked geniunely happy to be there. A delight to see.

As always a bittersweet tinge surrounds my foodie ventures as I imagine how Chuck would have enjoyed them. My memories of Chuck are so interlaced with food that the two can never be separated. Especially when it's an experience that I know he would have immersed himself in. And oh, how he would have loved Lola.

Dad & I took our time perusing the menu. Pierogies with Beef Cheeks as the appetizer to share was a no brainer. Been curious to try them since I first saw them in Symon's cookbook last Dec. After vacillating between the Scallops and the Duck Confit, I ordered the Duck as it was just added to the menu and a starter Mixed Greens Salad. Dad chose the Hanger Steak with fingerling potatoes.  

When our apps delivered I was a bit disoriented as the salad before me contained a bouquet of fresh, lovely looking...beets. Beets are one of the few foods that I'll go out of my way to avoid, so I couldn't image having overlooked that detail while reading the menu. Just as I was about to ask our waitress if I had ordered the wrong salad, a memory flooded over me and my laughter bubbled over. The first year and a half after Chuck passed away, each time I dined out beets were the featured vegetable. I couldn't get away from them. Beets were everywhere, always arriving un-announced. And each time in Chuck's honor I'd diligently give beets another chance. Inevitably with a slight glance upward I'd whisper "I still don't like them Chuck, nice try." Finally, it became so common that I comically shouted out loud in the middle of a downtown Seattle restaurant "Enough with the Beets Already!" Immediately beets stopped coming across my path.

Which brings me back to Lola and the salad filled with them artfully crafted in front of me. I recognized it as a little wink from Chuck. That he really wanted me to try the beet salad. Truth of the matter is I was delivered a Spinach Salad and not the Mixed Greens, but I'm sticking to my story. And I'll be damned, but that salad and the beets were absolutely delicious. Hats off to you Iron Chef for making something I previously detested extremely enjoyable. And Chuck, you've finally won the beet battle.

In conversations, we explained that I was visiting from Seattle and was uber excited to try the restaurant. The manager came over to talk to us about our journey and fuss a little. It was sweet and so much fun.

And then came our gorgeous, scrumptous main courses. Dad throughly enjoyed the hanger steak. The duck confit was absolutely heavenly. The crunch and salty skin, the crispy lettuce, sweetness of the apple,the tang of the mustard, hint of pancetta and richness of the duck. The balance of flavors was subtle and perfection. My compliments to the chef, you made my soul sigh!

Oh and the pierogies were purely divine. Overall a lovely meal and adventure shared with my wonderful and indulgent Dad. Definitely ranks within my top 10 meals.

Next time you find yourself in Cleveland check out Lola. It rocks! My only regret is that I don't live closer.

 

POSTCARDS FROM LOLA

 
Dad & I

 

LiveStrong Challenge - Seattle 2010

Up early for the Livestrong Challenge this fine Father's Day morning. It's the 2nd year for Seattle. Over $800K raised in the fight against cancer.  All funds raised go towards working for a cure or providing resources for survivors and families in the battle of their lives. Truly admirable in this economy, on this day.

Today was my 4th Livestrong event. Each one is touching and special. Our groomsmen and friend Mark joined the Peloton this year and rode the 45 mile route, mostly in the rain. My sister, brother-in-law and my lovely nieces walked in honor of our lost Chuck. I brought cowbells that the girls and I had a grand time ringing loud and proud, cheering on everyone. There can never be enough cowbell! And the rains held at bay on all us walkers. 

Livestrong for me is about celebrating the human spirit. Seeing all those survivors overcome and walk or ride. It's about community - knowing that many others walk this journey through cancer and in unity there is empathy, strength and support. It's giving a voice to the fight and taking a stand.

And most intimately, it's about Chuck. For honoring what he accomplished, how he faced life and most notably cancer, and how deep and profound his missing is in our lives. My husband, our friend, brother, uncle, son ... shoes that can not ever be filled. I opted this morning to celebrate, remember and cheer. It wasn't until I was waiting at the threshold for Mark to come rolling in that the tears of grief started to flow. For I alone carry the memory of how proud, overjoyed and grateful Chuck was went he crossed the finish line and collapsed into me in a tearful hug. Reminded of the knowledge that he will never ride again.

Thank you to all for your support!!!

Livestrong!

POSTCARDS from Livestrong Seattle 2010

 
Mark queued up for 45 mile ride.

Riders are OFF!

  
Aunt Jeannette & Mairead

Heather & Emmie

The Family!

 
Sisters

Finish line in sight

 

 

 
     Mark soaked at the end of a long ride. 

LIVESTRONG!!!  

 

Thinking of You

Happy Birthday my sweet Chuck! Missing you.

Love Jeannette

 

 

Flying Home

Back in the PNW today. I'll post more about my trip to AZ over the next few days. It was a much needed getaway. 

What I didn't count on was how familiar everything would feel. Chuck & I honeymooned in Northern Arizona at the Grand Canyon and Sedona during March. The terrain, weather, pace and drives kept triggering memories of our travels together. Overall comforting, adding depth and texture to my trip and personal journey. 

Homeward bound this morning, we flew over the Grand Canyon. And this was my breaking point. Seeing the Grand Canyon without Chuck seemed so wrong that the tears instantly spilled over from deep within. I sobbed for that newly married couple full of hope and dreams that never had a chance to take root. And I cried for my Grandmother whose last trip was with my parents to my wedding and the Grand Canyon. The tears in her eyes as she gazed upon the beauty of the landscape is a memory my father will never forget. Surprisingly, we lost her later that year to cancer. 

Today, I watered the canyon with tears for the two souls I miss dearly. 

 

  

Sacred

 

To my dearest Chuck, 

Three years ago today was the last time I heard you say I love you. You said it with such urgency and force like your life depended upon me hearing it, believing it ... remembering it. As if you knew that one I Love You needed to last across my lifetime. And it echos throughout the hills and valleys of my whole being.

This day you left, you shared with me the most sacred gift of all. The unworldly bliss you experienced upon being released from your earthly ties. While I didn't understand it at the time, those moments have reassured me during my darkest hours that you were at peace and deeply anchored my faith. 

Walking forward without you breaks my heart over and over again. 

Fortunately, I've learned that I feel you with me when I'm present. My happiest and most peaceful moments are when you shine through the strongest. I've also made peace with the knowledge that the loss of you and watching your decline are wounds that will never fully heal. And that's how it is suppose to be. It's the flip side of loving so deeply.

My love Chuck - I'm forever grateful for sharing my life, heart and soul with you. You are the soulmate I wished for on every falling star. 

I miss you every day. And I love you eternally.

your Sweetie,

Jeannette

 

So Glide Away on Soapy Heels

Bound to happen sooner rather than later. The calendar page turned into another March. 

Time stands still for no one. The sands keep shifting under our feet. And honestly I've been passionately engaged with work, taking in the Olympic spirit, catching the early moments of spring, celebrating the birth of a lovely new little cousin, planning for making bold steps forward... that I haven't allowed myself the space to feel the loss that so permeates this time of year for me.

Last night, Chuck's absence was amplified throughout my home. Barely could hear myself think through the noise. My soul was begging to let my cries be unleashed. Only a handful of quiet tears escaped.

The spirit is willful. In both directions. Awoke this morning in a fabulous mood, ready to tackle my latest project armed with a good night sleep and dark mocha. Going through my ritual start of the workday in the lunchroom, I glanced upon a huge box of magazines. And instead of glimpsing the celebrity couple scandals or cooking magazines, the photograph staring back at me momentarily stopped my heart. The National Geographic, with a man climbing up the trunk of a Redwood tree.

And once again I'm back in the last week of Chuck's life. It's exactly 3 years ago today when Chuck gently asked me if we should purchase a plot. Bravely, I softly question and listen until we get down to his true heart's desire for his remains to be returned to the earth, scattered in the Redwood Forrest. The site of our first vacation together. A place that forever ago captured his imagination and soul. A last wish that I eventually fulfilled. 

Exhale ... 

I soldiered on and shoved myself hard back to 2010 and the challenges at hand. Until the work day wound down around 8 pm. Then the armor started to wear thin. Talking over deadlines, I reminded my colleague that I was out of town on next thursday & friday. As the ribbing started, I simply stated that next Thursday is the 3rd anniversary of Chuck's passing. Silence. Space, freedom and time is necessary for me to move through that day and into another year without him. I won't have anything left for clients, projects, colleagues that day. Truly, my absence will be a gift to us all.

Finally, my heart overthrew my head. And I sobbed all the way home. My mind kept spinning round this phenomenal 6 hour talk we had that last monday he was here. One of those magical conversations you usually have when you are first getting to know each other and everything is perfumed with wonder. We dreamed about our new home together, about our hopes, what we'd love each other's life to become, what we loved about each other. I woke up that next morning so grateful to have that remembrance of who we were deep down, the experience of our souls touching. And at the same time I was so incredibly heartbroken with the knowledge that I was going to lose it too.

Months and months after Chuck left this world, I'd have given anything to have one more night like that one with him. Just to know how he was, say a million more times I love you, reassure each other, know each other, comfort each other. Now, 3 years later, I wonder what is left or even more important to say than I love you & I miss you everyday.

This song accompanied me on the way home tonight. Fit my mood perfectly. 

To my lost love...

The sky looks pissed

The wind talks back

My bones are shifting in my skin

And you my love are gone

My room seems wrong

The bed won't fit

I cannot seem to operate

And you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels

And promise not to promise anymore

And if you come around again

Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

I'll never say I'll never love

But I don't say a lot of things

And you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels

And promise not to promise anymore

And if you come around again

Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door