Evolving Sweetie

Sunday Picnics

The condo is too quiet. No signs of life beyond my own rustlings. Fluxuating between relief that Ross's suffering is past and abundant sadness. Missing them all, my loving and blessed little family. Left behind by husband and kitties. Clinging to the belief that more love, happiness and lavish joy is around the next corner. Overdue.

Spent most of this gorgeous day puttering in the condo. In the midst of turning over winter to spring and dusting the cobwebs away (figuratively). By dinner time I was ready to relax and take in a few rays. After trekking to half priced books to secure my tickets for the Pioneer Woman book signing next week, I indulged in take out from my neighborhood BBQ joint, Raining Ribs. I ♥ 'em!

Spread out a blanket at Matthew Beach and enjoyed the view. And tried to ignore the tribe of kids having screaming contests. We are all just trying to shake the grey out of our hearts and minds. Ribs, hush puppies, root-beer and diving into a new cookbook acquistion Joy the Baker turned out to be a grand ending to the weekend. Maybe this will be a new spring/summer tradition...

 

Postcards from a Picnic @ Matthew's Beach

hello dinner

sexy rib shot

view

my new dinner companions

 

Goodnight, My Little Pumpkin

And life changes in a flash. Came home Wednesday night to find Ross in a crumbled heap with his back legs immobile and scared out of his wits. The time had come. Miraculously, I had the presence of mind to get us both to the ER Vet and my BIL to meet us there. 

I marvel at the words that flow in this moment.  We both had been preparing and rehearsing our speeches. Secret little kitty purrs straight into my ear and o'dark thirty awakening to sneak in more snuggles. Many snuggle sessions ending with me in tears telling him how loved he is, how grateful I am that he spent his life with me and how I don't know how I will start and end my days with out his sweet presence. All of that goes out the window when the time is at hand. Tears flow endlessly, but the words dripping throughout like a mantra are all of reassurance...peace is coming, Chandler & Chuck are waiting, you've been the best kitty ever.  And the most urgently needed one for us both to hear - I will be ok. I promise.

My life has been so blessed with 16.5 years entwined with a beautiful, devoted, loving, funny, stubborn and sweet, sweet little cat named Ross. A true gift of unconditional love that saved my life time and time again. I love you so pumpkin. 

 

Postcards of my little Ross

 

last pictures - silly boy

Favorite spot to snuggle

Love this one

Healthier days

How I picture him now...snuggled up with his brother, my little one Chandler.

Love and miss you both!!!

 

Dream A Little Dream of Me

Once in college a professor asked us to sketch out a 5, 10, 15, 20 year plan. Where do you see your life professionally, personally in 5 year time increments? After much soul searching, I laid out my blueprint. Her only comment was "Where are your dreams in here? Everything is practical and logical to achieve." Spend thousands on an education and it's this statement that's had the most vivid impact. 

As time marched on, my evolving and soul defining experiences have occurred when I've followed my dreams. Moving to Seattle sight unseen and jobless - a crazy, gutsy and bold leap. Yet Seattle's fertile ground has me rooted and oh, how I've blossomed. 

Then, there is Chuck. Prior to our relationship my greatest hope was to find my soulmate. But it took years of failed unions before I did the hard work to be honest about what I really needed and wanted in partnership. No more ambiguity disguised as flexibility. Once I dreamed the life, courage and conviction to say NO to offers that didn't match became my guiding principle. Chuck appeared close on the heels of my decision. Our relationship contained everything I truly needed in partnership and lots of sparkling surprises.

As I've rebuilt through the dark years that old struggle against dreaming has resurfaced. The lovely life that we dreamed to build together burned to the ground. I'm arising from it's ashes.  Too vulnerable to define my heart's desire for fear of losing it all... again. Yet knowing it's the leap of faith from a place of vulnerability and hope that weaves dreams into reality. 

Time to start dreaming of possibilities.

Time Doubled Up

Time is not my friend.  A significant milestone is passing me by as I sleep tonight. Life beyond Chuck is now longer than life with him. It's not something I've been ticking down to or circled on a calendar to commemorate. Just an internal knowing and the alarm sounded last night. Missing erupts through the surface when my defenses are at their breaking point - late Sunday night most likely. Whispers you should be here. Tears bubble forth in sacrifice once more to drain the river of sorrow that streams through my heart. 

It dawned on me as I was swept away last night I'm on the edge of time doubling on itself. Promised myself that I wouldn't mourn longer than I loved you. A broken promise. Hoped by now to have authored a new love chapter or two. Forgot my love life unfolds in heavy bound novels. I love hard and long.  Years pass in my process of letting go, well before death do us part entered the picture. 

I know grief does not have an expiration date and neither does love. Yes, it hurts less most of the time. Yes, I'm enjoying my rebuilt life. But the echo in the hollow space were you resided still brings me to tears. And the missing of you aches to my core.

Yes my dear, I know the time you will need to share me with another is fast approaching. I feel you welcoming it, urging me along. I feel my readiness becoming more steadfast.

Someday soon...

Renewal

Funny how time just slips away. I've yearned for this space often without finding the inspiration or the expression. Lost thoughts, emotions not willing to be explored further and withdrawal. 

In the midst of my personal March madness again which technically starts winding up my internal springs as February approaches. Thankfully things set in motion this time to shatter all the windows and blow open all the doors of my being. Lots of tough love was administered from various angles illuminating a few truths that I needed to look long and hard at.

• Standing pat is not the same as processing or growing. Pretty much checked out of the hard grief work and processing over the past year. As I review my commitment and comments here, it's evident to me that lack of attention on my part. And the truth is I haven't been able to let Chuck go. Not to the degree that I can build a healthy, vibrant relationship with someone else. 

• Loving what is. Giving myself permission to love my life just as it happened and as it is. Bryon Katie has a book "Loving What Is" about embracing reality for what was meant to happen, happened. Her method is called "The Work" containing a series of 4 questions that we should ask ourselves of any given difficulty. Our suffering stems from attachment and assigning meaning to life's outcomes. My favorite question is "How would I be different if I didn't think or feel this way?" It's powerful.

• Cancer ISN'T happening to Chuck now. The "AHA" moment in this thought to me was that I am the only one who is still caught in the loop of Chuck's cancer and struggles. Chuck is freed and at peace. My family and friends, who were blessed with fewer difficult memories from this time, are free to carry forward the true essence of Chuck and found peace. That doesn't mean he is forgotten and not missed in their lives. But I've been so traumatized and devastated by his battle with cancer/loss that between the anger, heart-break, sorrow and grief there is little room for love and gratitude to flourish. Forcing the happy memories stay buried under the difficult ones. 

• Carrying Chuck's cancer around is KILLING me. This inability to move beyond the painful cancer memories is killing my spirit and our love. At that same time that this realization was dawning I learned of a techniques EFT or tapping that helps process emotions through the body for release. I've adapted these techniques and set a few appointments to work thorough the hard stuff. It's facilitated more healing in this short month timeframe that I've seen in years.

• Lightness of being. My greatest wish is for lightness. Lightness of heart, spirt, mind and body. Heaviness has ground my life for over 6 years now. I want to soar, create, laugh and love to greater degrees. For my natural state to be at peace, not struggling to obtain or maintain it. 

• Fall in Love with ME all over again. Here is the hardest lesson of them all. Time to become me and to love being me again. One step is to stop thinking of myself as Chuck's wife and widow. Yes, they are roles I have been and have lovingly shaped the woman I am. But neither is fully me, not even close. Time for engaging in things that bring me happiness and joy. Reigniting that spark of creativity. Take pleasure in the freedom to fill my free time with my heart desires versus balancing the needs of a family, partner etc. Feed, nurture and fully loving me. This is the greatest key to my happiness and rebuilding a life I love. Someday that will include a partner, a fulfilling career and hopefully my own family however that appears. But right now, it's all about healing and loving myself. 

So I'm re-dedicating this space to the exploration of all things that bring me pleasure and joy. While acknowledging the occasional hard lesson processing. My goals for this year are to grow and learn new hobbies and passions. Rebalance my physical health to active and vibrant. And live in gratitude and joy.

 

Heart Song

Visited by a brief moment of clarity today, while I was singing in the car on drive home. Just how spectacularly beautiful Chuck's love lit up my heart. And oh, how much I miss it.

You may think that this would be a given like the blood coursing through my veins. Or breathing in and out. But life has a funny way of overwhelming simple truths. Building conflicts and walls around the things we hold most dear to us. Is the attempt to numb and insulate ourselves from the pain?  Or does the routine chores of living erode our heart's desires?

There's a painting of a huge heart on my wall inscribed with love quotes that I bought Chuck right after the cancer resurged. He love it and thought it was written just for us. The verse that captured the essence of us is "To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten."

My love Chuck, I've forgotten the melody. How I'd give anything to hear you sing it loudly, jangled out of tune. Filling up my heart once more. 

 

 

LiveStrong Challenge - Seattle 2010

Up early for the Livestrong Challenge this fine Father's Day morning. It's the 2nd year for Seattle. Over $800K raised in the fight against cancer.  All funds raised go towards working for a cure or providing resources for survivors and families in the battle of their lives. Truly admirable in this economy, on this day.

Today was my 4th Livestrong event. Each one is touching and special. Our groomsmen and friend Mark joined the Peloton this year and rode the 45 mile route, mostly in the rain. My sister, brother-in-law and my lovely nieces walked in honor of our lost Chuck. I brought cowbells that the girls and I had a grand time ringing loud and proud, cheering on everyone. There can never be enough cowbell! And the rains held at bay on all us walkers. 

Livestrong for me is about celebrating the human spirit. Seeing all those survivors overcome and walk or ride. It's about community - knowing that many others walk this journey through cancer and in unity there is empathy, strength and support. It's giving a voice to the fight and taking a stand.

And most intimately, it's about Chuck. For honoring what he accomplished, how he faced life and most notably cancer, and how deep and profound his missing is in our lives. My husband, our friend, brother, uncle, son ... shoes that can not ever be filled. I opted this morning to celebrate, remember and cheer. It wasn't until I was waiting at the threshold for Mark to come rolling in that the tears of grief started to flow. For I alone carry the memory of how proud, overjoyed and grateful Chuck was went he crossed the finish line and collapsed into me in a tearful hug. Reminded of the knowledge that he will never ride again.

Thank you to all for your support!!!

Livestrong!

POSTCARDS from Livestrong Seattle 2010

 
Mark queued up for 45 mile ride.

Riders are OFF!

  
Aunt Jeannette & Mairead

Heather & Emmie

The Family!

 
Sisters

Finish line in sight

 

 

 
     Mark soaked at the end of a long ride. 

LIVESTRONG!!!  

 

March Madness

And I'm not referring to Basketball tournaments, although sadly both my teams are out of the running. Over the past handful of years, March has become it's own rite of passage I must endure each year. Too many memories good and bad are bottled up within a few short weeks. The mind and body both remember. A fog descents and I become disoriented in a maze of grief over my lost soulmate and our life together. 

As hard as it is for me to say this, each year becomes exponentially less devastating. My present more grounded and real. The past a beautiful shadowed sketch. 

Progress can be felt in all directions. And while I don't miss Chuck any less, my definition of home keeps being rewritten without him. It's a kin to moving away from your home town. Eventually, your new local becomes home - you. When I visit Pittsburgh, I am immersed in all the familiarity, love and joy for my first home base. Yet even as I rejoice in being back, I know that I don't fit there any longer. And it's always a heartbreaking reminder of the paths we walk and choices/dreams we needed to leave behind. That is a fraction of what March is for me. 

This March contained a road trip, wedding, family time, friends, work, volunteering and a new adventure to start. There was more evidence of Chuck's spirit walking beside me as I journeyed through this month than I've seen and felt in a long time. Including a glorious rainbow as we had dinner on his birthday. And concrete evidence that I'm not that only one who aches from his missing presence in their lives.

No longer do I feel like I've run a marathon to get through these late winter days. Nor the euphoria for having survived them. I'm just back to my "normal" levels of missing Chuck. And the un-grantable wish that there was an alternate ending to our story. 

Flying Home

Back in the PNW today. I'll post more about my trip to AZ over the next few days. It was a much needed getaway. 

What I didn't count on was how familiar everything would feel. Chuck & I honeymooned in Northern Arizona at the Grand Canyon and Sedona during March. The terrain, weather, pace and drives kept triggering memories of our travels together. Overall comforting, adding depth and texture to my trip and personal journey. 

Homeward bound this morning, we flew over the Grand Canyon. And this was my breaking point. Seeing the Grand Canyon without Chuck seemed so wrong that the tears instantly spilled over from deep within. I sobbed for that newly married couple full of hope and dreams that never had a chance to take root. And I cried for my Grandmother whose last trip was with my parents to my wedding and the Grand Canyon. The tears in her eyes as she gazed upon the beauty of the landscape is a memory my father will never forget. Surprisingly, we lost her later that year to cancer. 

Today, I watered the canyon with tears for the two souls I miss dearly. 

 

  

Sacred

 

To my dearest Chuck, 

Three years ago today was the last time I heard you say I love you. You said it with such urgency and force like your life depended upon me hearing it, believing it ... remembering it. As if you knew that one I Love You needed to last across my lifetime. And it echos throughout the hills and valleys of my whole being.

This day you left, you shared with me the most sacred gift of all. The unworldly bliss you experienced upon being released from your earthly ties. While I didn't understand it at the time, those moments have reassured me during my darkest hours that you were at peace and deeply anchored my faith. 

Walking forward without you breaks my heart over and over again. 

Fortunately, I've learned that I feel you with me when I'm present. My happiest and most peaceful moments are when you shine through the strongest. I've also made peace with the knowledge that the loss of you and watching your decline are wounds that will never fully heal. And that's how it is suppose to be. It's the flip side of loving so deeply.

My love Chuck - I'm forever grateful for sharing my life, heart and soul with you. You are the soulmate I wished for on every falling star. 

I miss you every day. And I love you eternally.

your Sweetie,

Jeannette