Spontaneity overcame me today. Had a rare Saturday without any plans except to make some soup, take in a few football games and relax. I'd already decided to forgo a tree this year. Maybe you remember the Tree or Not to Tree debate last year. Funny enough my decision this year had nothing to do with Chuck. I just didn't foresee entertaining in my home this year and thought I'd spare myself the bother.
Then spontaneity kicked in. Oh the hints were there all week... friends getting trees, grocery clerk asking if I was decorating my tree this weekend, my mother talking about putting up Chuck's/My tree at the facility she works at. On the way home from the gym this morning, I was overcome with the urge to drive to Target and buy an artificial tree sized just right for my condo. Please don't feel bad that it's not a real tree. Honestly, I've never had one in my life. A fresh cut wreath brings in the pine scent for me just fine. Besides I'm to much of a nervous ninny when it comes to fire hazards that I don't think I'd relax the whole season with a real tree. Mind you I've got excellent reasons on this front - but those are stories for another day.
And it was kismet, for wouldn't you know the store had the perfect sized pre-lit tree and they were down to 1 left.
The thing about spontaneity is there is little time to prepare for the emotional consequences. Earlier this year I sorted through our decorations so it wasn't the first time I faced them since our last Christmas together. I even prepared myself by packing away the ornaments around our wedding in a keepsake box. To my surprise mid-decorating the tree I brought them out for a final season. I realized that maybe for the first time in my life - this tree was just for me.
No plans were in place for decorating. Previous themes revolved around dark blue and silver which doesn't quite work in the warmer toned condo. Pulling out my decorations I found a number of gold sprays, crystal beaded garlands and a few ruby jeweled poinsettias I picked up last year. Gold, silver, crystal, red and midnight blue. The final product turned out to be perfectly me - graceful, touches of elegance with nostalgia and whimsy.
The last ornament I placed on the tree was one of Chuck's childhood wooden soldiers. And this was the one that opened the flood gates. For the 2nd time in my life I sobbed over a Christmas tree. This little microcosm of my life - places I've traveled, people who are no longer with me, and angels everywhere to look over me.
Beautiful.
POSTCARDS from my living room
The little redheaded bride and blond groom that I gave to Chuck the year we were engaged.
The angel my mother made from ribbons from my sister's wedding.
The angel my Grandmother Shirley made.
Little hummel angel's that were from my Grandmother Margie's tree.
Mickey & Minnie from our trip to Disney.
And this one has double meaning for me. My mother always called me her Raggedy Ann doll. I bought us both this ornament years ago to remember that. Here Raggedy Ann has found her Andy and they are sitting in the moon. After Chuck & I got together the ornament took on another layer- Fly Me to the Moon was our song. We loved seeing this on our tree as a reminder.
